The Web Surfers Report

May 17, 1998

The Dog and the Rat

"No wonder Americans hate politics, when year in, year out, they hear politicians make promises that won't come true because they don't even mean them." -- Bill Clinton, speech to the Economic Club of Detroit August 21, 1992


First a couple of shameless self-serving plugs: - This is a web site I created for a friend so I want everyone to surf over and make it look like I know what I'm doing. - The editor's putting together a new summer edition with my latest story. -- I'm still recovering from terminal writers block so please be kind in your reviews. -- It should be ready soon but if you've missed my earlier pieces, now's your chance to catch up.

Well April Fool's Day stomped into my life like a Hell's Angel and decided to hang on like a leach. It's made Sherman's "March to the Sea" look like a kindergarten fire drill. Rather than relive the details that have scarred my life forever, we'll just summarize the results.

After a four week move -- My fault really. I made the mistake of starting to collect stuff for my retirement when I was 14 years old. -- We've been forced to move into a neighborhood where the average family of five has four cars (on a good day two are operational). Intersections are governed by demolition derby rules, the most beat up piece of junk with the most suicidal driver has the right of way. In the event of an accident the nearest house has salvage rights.

We have unannounced visitors at three in the morning and I don't think they're here to leave pink flamingos in the front yard. If you know what I mean and I think you do.

The police patrol four to a car with shotguns out the windows. Again, in the event of an ambush the nearest house has first looter rights. The nearest fire departments are still arguing about first right of refusal.

Neighbors drop by to borrow the lawn mower and complain if it doesn't have gas.

The landlord is an all too frequent visitor. He's one of those people you ask what time it is and they tell you their life's story. Two hours later, they are still talking and you still don't know what time it is. -- You get the same result even if you don't ask what time it is.

After only a two week delay, the ISDN line has been installed and I'm back online.

And as always, there's good news and bad news. First the bad news, the phone company says we can keep the same phone number (only the kids get calls.) The good news, my ISP says I can keep the same email address.

Well, I have to go. A neighbor locked his keys in his car and we're all trying to get him out before it rains. He left the top down.

Ask The Web Walker:

Q: How can I get Vernon Jordan to find me a great job?
A: Monica isn't one to share but I got this from Linda Tripp's tapes:

Q: Now that you've moved what's your new address?
A: Nice try Carville!

Reader Email:

From: Charles Fannin <[email protected]>
Subject: Gag!

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From: "Barbara J. Feldman" <[email protected]>
Subject: Resource for Kids

I thought readers of your page ( might be interested in my site and my free weekly email edition.

"Surfing the Net with Kids" (from the syndicated newspaper column of the same name) ferrets out the best of the online world for kids, parents and teachers. Each weekly column rates and reviews five fun, educational Web sites on topics as diverse as Stock Market Simulations, Gargoyles and Monarch Butterflies.

SUBSCRIBE FREE WEEKLY EMAIL EDITION ---> mailto:[email protected]

Many thanks,

Barbara J. Feldman
Surfing the Net with Kids

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From: truenewbie <[email protected]>
Subject: Joe Bob Briggs (

Hi there webmaster,

I hear you manage a site for the Joe Bob Briggs character. Well, I'm writing for the webmaster for a new site that's called "Heard it On the Grapevine". Its about the Grapevine Drive and Grapevine's hero Joe Bob Briggs among others. I plan to take this site live on June 10th. It is very funny satire written by three Texas ladies.

I would like to get the site as much exposure as possible. Being that Joe Bob Briggs is mentioned in this site I would ask that you would consider giving us a link. I would apreciate it and these three ladies from Texas that write all this funny stuff would appreciate it.

Our domain name is If you would like to get an idea of what the content is like go to That's the url for the first edition. There are 43 in total. All of them will be ready for our June 10th launch.

Below is an introduction that will be included with the first edition.
If you have any questions, just send me an email.

Thanks again,

Jim Lucas


In Grapevine's beginning, there was the drive-in and life was good. From its loins issued the Brigg's, including Joe Bob--one of the most famous Grapeviners; the Biggerstaffs, the Bodines, the Claytons, the Cooters, the Sibleys, the Garcias and all manner of life that swam in the streams, walked the fields and lived under the rocks in Grapevine. Into this Eden came the snake and she was large and scaly in her mind.

Her name was Cherry May and she carried within her an anger born from deeds commited in another drive-in long since destroyed. When she beheld the Aerated Cinedrome, her anger enflamed her. Seizing the whip of her tongue, she laid upon the masses assembled in the Third Temple of Televangelbaptists until they burst forth into the streets. Her vitriolic words rained down on them with the force of a midnight deluge and the sting of hail. And they were not good.

With her minions, she drove the Briggs, the Biggerstaffs, the Bodines, the Claytons, the Sibleys, the Garcias and all the others from the warm bosom of the drive-in...and life ceased to be good...all manner of life and liveliness were banished from Grapevine and the happiness drained from their hearts and their evenings fell empty...Left with no movies to review, Joe Bob Briggs left Grapevine for the big city.

Become a vicarious citizen of Grapevine and find out what happens after the drive-in closes. Find out why Cherry May is so obsessed with purity.

Find out how Chester Biggerstaff has kept the memory of Joe Bob Briggs alive even though he has left Grapevine. Discover the Bodine's secrets.

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From: Perfect Sound Forever <[email protected]>
Subject: May '98 edition of Perfect Sound


In the latest issue of Perfect Sound Forever, you'll find (among other things):

Revenant & accounted for- the guitar legend scoffs at his past and looks to the future

Interview & overview, including reviews of all of their albums/CD's

Mais oui! Art Zoyd, Heldon, Magma and more.

Calling Doc Snock- see a lenghty interview with this reclusive legend, including discography and some of his paintings

We prescribe it- interviews with several experts including Milford Graves & David Hykes

Tar Heel history, before the days of Superchunk and Archers of Loaf

Formula for '90s music- is Stereolab and the like our future or just a stagnant past?

See what's Neu! as Michael looks over the career of his highly influential German band

Shop Til You Drop- where to find that plastic that you crave

Boston indie-style: the maverics behind Propellor, now making rounds as WACO

Coming 'Soon'(?) Interviews With Muhal Richard Abrams, Air Liquide, Chris Butler, Crass, Cul De Sac, Kevin Drumm, Etron Fou, Manuel Gottsching, Jojo (Alchemy Records), Christian Marclay, Roscoe Mitchell, Moondog, James 'Blood' Ulmer, Univers Zero, Christian Wolff

Also: Pylon, More Madness With Lee Perry, Delta 5, The Scruffs, Jack Kerouac's Musical Story, Syd Barrett, Strange Instruments, Music And The End Of The Nazis, Tonal Music & Politics, An MC5 Extravaganza, The Residents & Your Article?

We're always looking for good material so let us know if you have any writing or ideas to share.

See you online,

Perfect Sound Forever
online music magazine
[email protected]

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From: Ima Websurfer
Subject: The Websurfer's Report


Have you retired from your web-antics, or just slowed way down? Haven't heard from you in a while.

Web: In the wee hours of the morning, staring at a blank screen, cigarette in one hand and a can of beer in the other, I ask myself that question. -- Igor sneaks up behind me and begins playing "the world's tiniest violin." "Igor! If you don't stop that, I'll give you back to Dr. Frankenstein and you know he never forgave you for that good brain, bad brain mix up."

In a world where you're lucky to make it to next coffee break without coming across something too stupid to go without comment, I still wonder if I can wring one more original thought out of this old liquor soaked brain.

I've thought about taking a course in writing. Hell, I've thought about talking a course in English but I fear it might interfere with my unique style.

Having come to the noose at the end of my literary rope, I throw myself out the figurative 13th floor window.

Fourth floor: "So far so good."

Third floor: I find out James Carville is publishing another book, "... and the horse you rode in on."

"Igor, I've got it. You can attach the bungy cord now."

Second story: "Igor?"

First floor: "OK! Igor, I won't return you to the mad doctor!"

Kissing a dirty sidewalk with most of my major organs still intact, I explain my diabolical plan to Igor.

"Look. You kidnap Carville's ghostwriter and force him -- No, not the demented Jimmy from Louisiana, the ghostwriter! -- to write the Web Surfers Report."

The Dog and the Rat

Once upon a time there was a dog and a rat named Kenny and as is the case in most fairy tales, these animals could talk.

The dog, who shall remain nameless due to a pending libel suit, was going on about the good old days, "Oh yes, they used to feed me dog biscuits by hand, only the best dog food, walks every night. Oh, those were the days."

Kenny, the rat, interrupts this reminiscing to ask, "If your life was so great, why are you out here sharing a garbage can with me?"

The dog sighs, "I was the Rat Dog, master of my domain. All I had to do was keep vermin like you out of the house. -- Sorry, nothing personal."

"No offence taken."

"So anyway," the dog continues. "a rat got passed me and I was thrown out of the house. I don't won't to talk about it. It's just too painful."

Kenny nods and suggests, "Maybe I can cheer you up with a happy story about how I became 'King of the Rats.'"

The dog says nothing so the rat continues, "It was the greatest stunt of my career. I entered a house and gnawed my way into a box of dog biscuits. Every time the dog came by I'd poke my head up and get the dog barking. When the humans came over to see what was wrong, I'd hide again. After a couple of days, they decided the dog was rabid and threw it out."

"You! It was you!" Screams the dog as it goes for Kenny's throat.

Three badly animated, snowsuit clad kids appear but before they can utter a trademark phrase from Southpark, the Web Surfers Report censor appears and quickly hides the bloody scene and trademark phrase with a large white banner. The small red letters on the banner can just barely be read if you look closely and squint. They say in very small but mostly harmless letters, "This week's URL's."

  1. Home Page - Another fellow web surfer gets a custom domain.
  2. Welcome to Merriam-Webster - Great resource. Online dictionary and more.
  3. Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas | A Terry Gilliam Film - I can't believe they actually finished it.
  4. The Mountain Zone ... - Thanks to the Internet, even couch potatoes can climb mount Everest.
  5. Welcome to PlanetSouthPark! South Park news, episodes, pictures, sounds, scripts and more! - Screen savers and animated gifs.
  6. Duff's Animated Gifs Page - Great source for animated gif's.
  7. - Some interesting animated gifs and Three Stooges stuff.
  8. Adrian's Little Corner of the Web - The only home page I've found with a self-destruct button. Click "kaboom."
  9. King Features Syndicate - Has old strips I haven't seen in years.
  10. Ask Jeeves for Kids! - Search engine for kids.
  11. RibMan: The Site That Bites...Comic Strips, Cartoons, Comics & Funnies. Comic Strip - World's Newest and Funniest Superhero. Barbecue BBQ Recipes Beef & Pork including Ribs. - Comic strip with a thing for BBQ ribs.
  12. Macromedia ShockRave - Check out the "toons" section. It has Southpark, Dilbert, George Liquor and more.
  13. Ribbon Campaign - A Comprehensive List of Ribbon Campaigns - Text Only Version - Ever wonder about all those ribbons on the Internet?
  14. - Clinton theme music.
  15. Urban Legends Reference Pages - Not true but fun?
  16. Austin Powers - Shag til you drop - The '60s is back and it's not a pretty sight.
  17. Mount Ararat - Anomaly - Is the Noah's Ark out there?
  18. TNT: The Home of Babylon 5 - Something for the Babylon5 fans.
  19. The Political Fun, Facts, and Figures Page! - Something for the political junkies.
  20. Zele Press Celebrity Birthdays - Learn things you never wanted to know about people you never heard of.

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May 17, 1998
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Webmaster: The Web Walker