The country, when asked about Bill,
Beltway Bob's "blow-by-blow" account of the Clinton Fornigate Scandal:
From Jay Leno:
"The problem is that Clinton swore to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. But to Clinton, those are three different things."
"After spending $30 million dollars investigating Clinton Kenneth Starr finally found a smoking gun. It turned out to be in the President's pants."
"Only Clinton could knock a sex scandal out of the headlines with a sex scandal."
"It came out today that Clinton once tried to have phone sex with Hillary but she said, 'Not tonight, I have an ear ache.' "
From Don Imus:
"The President is going down faster than a 21-year-old intern trying to jazz up her resume."
From sports broadcaster and oddsmaker Werner Wolf:
"If you had Clinton and two terms---YOU LOSE!!"
From David Letterman:
"Now we hear that Monica has sued the President for $1,000,002.50. That's one million for pain and suffering and $2.50 for dry cleaning."
"Things have gotten so bad that Roger Clinton is complaining about his idiot brother."
"I really have to hand it to the White House. Around here we can't even get the interns to work the copy machine."
"If it's Oral it's Moral." (found in St. Paul's letter to Penthouse).
"If it's eatin' it ain't cheatin'"
Sermon topic at Clinton's church this week: "The Eight Commandments."
Recycled from previous scandals:
Clinton to Intern: "I told you to lick my erection, not wreck my election!"
Clinton to Intern: "I seem to have a little dandruff. I need some Head and Shoulders."
Intern to Clinton: "How do you give shoulders?"
From Various sources:
"It is so ironic that after all we've heard, Clinton's downfall could come from pressuring a woman to keep her mouth shut."--Bill Maher
"Not only is he be accused of obstruction of justice, but it also would mean that he was unfaithful to Paula Jones." --Bill Maher
"Hillary Clinton said that while the President was testifying in the Paula Jones case she was doing some household chores. Little things like sewing the President's pants to his shirts."-- Conan O'Brien
"Clinton is changing his theme song from 'Don't Stop Thinking About Tomorrow,' to 'The Jail House Rock.'"-Don Imus
Al Gore's advice to Clinton: "Claim that there is no controlling moral authority."
Janet Reno's advice to the President: "He should keep his browser separate from his operating system."
A recent poll asked 2000 women if they would have sex with Bill Clinton. A shocking 94% replied, 'Never Again.'
The Office of the First Lady is denying rumors that Mrs. Clinton recommended Lorena Bobbit for a White House internship.
President Clinton brought his new dog into the West Wing. It was a disaster. He ate everything in sight, sniffed the crotches of all the secretaries, and humped the legs of all the interns. And Buddy didn't behave too well either.
Rumor has it that Buddy is seriously considering having Clinton neutered.
In His Own Words: "What I'm trying to do is restrain my natural impulses and get back to work." -- President Bill Clinton, January 21 1998, after denying any improper relationship with a former White House intern.
When Monica was an intern, she went to a party at the White House. She had a few drinks, got a little bit tipsy, and told the President she was going home. The President took her into his study, sat her down, unzipped his fly and said: "Before you go you better take a breathalyzer!"
Bill Clinton apparently did tell Monica Lewinsky it was okay to have oral sex with him, as long as she didn't inhale.
Clinton's latest artful denial: "I didn't put words in her mouth."
And now us.
Q: Why didn't Bill Clinton expect to get caught?
A: Monica swallowed all the evidence.
Q: What do White House interns and the Bermuda Triangle have in common?
A: They both swallow a lot of seamen
Q: What is Chelsea's biggest fear?
A: Her Dad might crash her sorority parties.
Q: What's the difference between President Clinton and O.J. Simpson?
A: It only took 12 jerks to get O.J. off.
Q: What's the difference between Watergate and Fornigate?
A: We know who Deep Throat is this time.
Q: What is the President's new secret service code name.
A: The Unabanger.
Q: How does Clinton plan to spend his remaining days in office?
A: Tracking down the true Unabanger.
Q: What's the definition of an Arkansas Virgin?
A: A girl that can run faster than the Governor.
Q: What are Clinton's two favorite campaign promises?
A: ``The check is in your mouth'' and ``I won't come in the mail.''
Q: What's Clinton's fondest wish now?
A: That someone would wave a hand at him using more than one finger.
Q: Why is Bill Clinton diverting federal funds from improving schools to
A: Because when his term is through, he won't be going to school.
Q: How did Bill Clinton get a crick in his neck?
A: Trying to save both faces.
Q: In his Paula Jones deposition, when did the President commit perjury?
A: When he was sworn in.
Q: What does Bill say to Hillary after sex?
A: "Come pick me up before she calls Kenneth Starr!"
Q: How can you tell that the guy who attacked the
White House with a plane was insane?
A: He seems to have thought Clinton would be in his own bedroom at night.
Q: When did Clinton realize Paula Jones wasn't a Democrat?
A: When she didn't swallow everything he presented.
Q: What did Hillary tell the President when the Monica story broke?
A: "I TOLD YOU to let Ted Kennedy drive her home!
Q: What is the difference between Clinton and the Titanic?
A: Only 200 women went down on the Titanic.
Q: Why is Clinton prone to losing his voice?
A: He keeps having to eat his words.
Q: What do Roger Clinton and Monica Lewinsky have in common?
A: They both blow a little dope once in a while.
Q: How is the President like a railroad track?
A: He's been laid all over the country.
Q: How is the President like a character actor?
A: When he shows character, he's acting.
Q: What's the difference between Bill Clinton and a pickpocket?
A: A pickpocket snatches watches.
The Democrats and the Republicans are discussing a compromise to end the Clinton Fornigate matter: they will impeach the President from the waist down.
Various unattributed quotes:
"Hell hath no fury like a woman suborned."
"Chelsea gave up her adolescence for the presidency. Too bad the President didn't do the same thing."
"Sleeping with the President used to mean that you attended a Reagan cabinet meeting."
What other White House interns remember about Monica Lewinsky:
"She was a real eager beaver."
"She really liked the White House mess."
"She always stayed late and came early."
"She was always willing to accept a heavy load."
"Her in box was always clean and shiny."
"She really sucked...but she didn't inhale."
Previous Clinton/Monica Jokes page
March 22, 1998
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