Monica Lewinsky

White House Trailer Trash Soap Opera

Starring Smucko, Booba and That Woman

Give That Women,
Ms. Lewinsky,
a Cigar.

You may have been hearing the word, "cigar," a lot today. There is a reason for that.

Over the weekend, the Drudge Report, reported ...

Well, there's the problem isn't it. Even Howard Stern, not exactly the nation's first prude, described the latest Oval Office extracurricular activity as "weird." So I'll do my best to summary the story that can't be repeated on the network news.

Monica Lewinsky traded in her cucumber for a presidential cigar. -- That's cucumber as in "Why a cucumber is better than a man" jokes.

During a test drive of her new joy toy in the Oral Sex Office, Monica gave the president a floor show rarely seen outside cheap bars in Tijuana. To demonstrate his support for performance art, Clinton was spanking his monkey.

As part of Clinton's new tough on terrorism policy, Yasser Arafat was forced to cool his heels in the Rose Garden without closed circuit TV of the event. -- I didn't see the video. Did Clinton give Arafat a cigar at that meeting?

If this gets any kinkier, we're going to have to refer to sex acts by page number in Marquis De Sade's "The 120 Days of Sodom."

To be fair, Clinton did say in his speech last Monday:

"Now, this matter is between me, the two people I love most -- my intern and our cigar -- and our donkey. Don't forget the donkey. That's part of our private life too."

Monica Lewinsky said, "Bill gave me an engagement ring." Must have been the one on the cigar.

Will Monica come out on national television and admit, "Indeed, I did have a relationship with Mr. Cigar that was not appropriate."

To the same lilt as Jack & Jill, went up the hill,

Hillary and Bill went up the Hill,
carrying a bucket of "Whitewater",

Monica went "Down",
Hillary looks around, and says,

I'll smoke that "Cigar" later,
(said in true Groucho Marx accent).

tsaxe

Maybe we can get a good porn movie out of this:

  • "The President, the Intern and the Cigar"
  • "A Girl and Her Cigar."
  • "Mr. Cigar goes to Washington."
  • "The Cigar in Ms. Lewinsky."
  • "Monica Does the Oval Office."

With this administration, you really have to wonder, "Was it a Cuban cigar?"

Is Clinton having a "Cuban Cigar Crisis?"

Are the Republicans waiting for a "smoking cigar" before they impeach?

This one sure adds new meaning to a "sin tax" on cigars.

If this kind of dirt is all the Ken Starr investigation can dig up about the President of the United State, all I can say is, "Go Starr, go!" This is better than pregnant Spice Girls.

At least, now we know why the Secret Service agents are fighting over who monitors the Oval Office security camera.

We've gone from "Would you buy a used car from this man" to "Would you smoke a cigar with this guy?"

"Bang the presidential gong. Win a cigar!"

"My grandparents visited the White House and all they got me was this slimy cigar."

In Mexico, you're warned not to drink the water. In the Oval Office, it's don't smoke the cigars.

If the Republicans are afraid to go head to head on the cigar story, you really have to wonder what the hell are they doing in their offices.

Impeach this guy? Hell, no! I'm sitting here with a bowl of popcorn waiting to see if he can top his last act. Imagine James Craville having to say, "This is only about sex ... and a cigar ... OK, maybe a donkey."



Ms. Lewinsky, can you point out the suspect that raped you?

Ken Starr: OK, I know one of you was in the Oval Office. We'll stay here all night if that's what it takes.

"I like my cigar, but I take it out of my mouth occasionally." -- Groucho Marx

"Come in here dear boy have a cigar you're gonna go far...." -- Pink Floyd


Special thanks to Jason D. Jones for the great picture.


Q. What do you get if you cross Loreena Bobbit and Monica Lewinsky?
A. A cigar cutter

Clinton to Starr: 'I didn't inhale!'


The worst thing that can happen to you in a cheap bar in Tijuana is finding out you're going down on the woman that did the "Donkey Show."

Second worse, find out what you're eating is the donkey.

Third, Clinton offering you a cigar.


Usually, people try to blow smoke up your skirt. In the Oral Sex Office, the smoke comes out from under the skirt.


FAQ

Q: It appears that we have gone from "Pigs in Space" to "Pigs in Heat."
A: Great, now I'm going to have the Muppets suing my ass off.

Q: Is the donkey part of the healing process?
A: Yes but only if she gets pass the third ribbon.

Q: Are the Monica approved cigars going to become known as Castro's or Churchill's?
A: Sources close to the smoking slit suggest:

  • La Monica's
  • El Smucko's
  • El Reno's
  • Down Under's
  • El Slicko's
  • El Sicko's

Q: Is this why Cubans like cigars?
A: Yes. After more than 30 years of Castro, you have to get your entertainment where you find it.

Q: Do Cuban women like cigars as much as Cuban men and for the same reason?
A: Yes and no.
If you've seen a communist Cuban woman, you know why the men would rather abstain.
If you've seen a communist Cuban man, you know why the women prefer cigars.

Q: Was this what the Cuban "missile" crisis was really about?
A: Yes. After Castro's agents replaced JFK's Havana's with exploding cigars, he was less than pleased. Marilyn Monroe wasn't very happy either. -- That's got to hurt.

Q: My brain hurts. Could you repeat the question? Can I go home now?
A: No and Yes.


Cigar quotes from the Starr Report

"On one occasion, the President inserted a cigar into her vagina."

"Many of the 30 or so gifts that she gave the President reflected his interests in history, antiques, cigars, and frogs."

"Ms. Lewinsky gave him, among other things, six neckties, an antique paperweight showing the White House, a silver tabletop holder for cigars or cigarettes, a pair of sunglasses, a casual shirt, a mug emblazoned 'Santa Monica,' a frog figurine, a letter opener depicting a frog, several novels, a humorous book of quotations, and several antique books."

"She told Mr. Nelvis that she had recently smoked her first cigar, and he offered to give her one of the President's cigars."

"According to Ms. Lewinsky, she told the President that Mr. Nelvis had promised her a cigar, and the President gave her one."

"And then he had the cigar in his hand and he was kind of looking at the cigar in . . . sort of a naughty way. And so . . . I looked at the cigar and I looked at him and I said, we can do that, too, some time."

"At one point, the President inserted a cigar into Ms. Lewinsky's vagina, then put the cigar in his mouth and said: 'It tastes good.'"

"The gifts included a sterling silver antique cigar holder, a tie, a mug, a 'Hugs and Kisses' box, and an antique book about Theodore Roosevelt."

"In the grand jury, the President declined to answer whether Ms. Lewinsky would be lying if she said he had used a cigar as a sexual aid with her."

"Whitman is so rich that one must read him like one tastes a fine wine or good cigar -- take it in, roll it in your mouth, and savor it!"

"The President fondled Ms. Lewinsky's bare breasts with his hands and mouth and fondled her genitalia directly by pulling her underwear out of the way. In addition, the President inserted a cigar into Ms. Lewinsky's vagina."

"Ms. Lewinsky testified that the President gave her additional gifts over the course of their relationship, such as a brooch, the book Leaves of Grass by Walt Whitman, an Annie Lennox compact disk, and a cigar."

"Ms. Lewinsky gave the President an antique cigar holder, on December 6, 1997."

"On one occasion, the President inserted a cigar into her vagina to stimulate her."


More Clinton/Monica Jokes

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Vast Right-Wing Conspiracy.


Cigar line up picture by Jason D. Jones.

September 16, 1998

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