Monica Lewinsky testified before a grand jury today. For those in the White House, that means Monica was talking to a bunch of folks that could put a big ow-ow on the First Bubba. -- Carville (and Geraldo), before replying "It just ain't so," please at least change your return address before sending email signed "Another disgruntled postal worker with an AK-47 and your home address." I have real enemies and they don't like me being distracted by amateurs. If your hate mail isn't posted to a burning cross in my front yard, it will be ignored.

My source in the CIA leaked Monica's testimony to me and I knew you'd want me to share it. She claims they bugged the grand jury room on presidential orders. I think she just wanted another tape to add to her porn collect. She does divorce work on the sly. So, you can imagine the collection she already has.

Rather than bore you, I'll skip the preliminary questions ("What is you name?" "What is your quest?" "What is your favorite color?" "What is you bra size?" "Do you go down on the first date?" "Can I have your autograph?" "Will you blow me?") and just include the highlights.

Ken Starr: You claimed on your White House Intern Application that you could remove chrome from a trailer hitch at 500 yards. Is that true?

Monica Lewinsky: No sir. I've never been tested at more than 100 yards.

Ken Starr: Judge, I think that's good enough?

Judge: Yes it is. OK, people. I think this is a good time for a recess. Ms. Lewinsky will you join me in my chambers.

. . .

Starr: Now the semen stained dress has been all over the news. What can you tell us about that?

Monica: Well, I showed up in the Oval Office wearing my killer Dallas Cowboys cheerleader outfit and the Big Creep doesn't like it. So, I change into the fireman outfit. It's usually a big hit. "Come on baby! Put out my fire." That kind of stuff. But NOooo! That's not good enough for El Smucko. He asks if I have a cocktail dress like Janet Reno's. Icky, she's really ooold! But he can't if I don't so I do. And then, I just touch it and pop goes the weasel. My dress has three stains and his face has three grins. I'm thinking this jerk has his ... uh ... finger on the big red button? And he's saying, "Hang onto that dress. Do know what a presidential stain is worth? All my bimbos have one." So now I know the old geezer is going to stiff me. I'm thinking not even cab fare. Then out of the blue, the sweetie pie tells me his Secret Service agent will drive me home and Vernon Jordan will call tomorrow about a job.

Ken Starr: Thank you. Now, could you repeat for the jury some the sounds you made during those 37 private sessions with the president?

. . .

Starr: Could you demonstrate what occurred in the Oval Office with this broomstick?

Monica: It would be a lot more realistic with a short limb noodle.

. . .

Starr: What did you blow and when did you blow it?

Monica: Little Willie whenever he came out to play.

. . .

Unknown grand juror: "Monica, I love you. I'll leave Hillary for you."

[Unknown grand juror, wearing novelty glasses and a bad wig runs from the court room.]

. . .

Ken Starr: So while you were in the small, private study down a short hallway from the Oval Office, did you have an opportunity to count the ceiling tiles?

Monica: Boy, did I. I was laying there so long I gave them names. He may be a quick shot but is he slow on the aim. If you know what I mean and I think you do.

My source says she has even juicier stuff but needs $50 to cover "out of pocket expenses." I told her the check was in the mail and I promise not to come in her mouth.

Gotta go, I got a reporter from the New York Times on the phone whining I stole this story.

Q: What do you get when you cross Monica Lewinsky with Ted Kaczynski?
A: A Dynamite Blowjob

Today, the three stains on Monica Lewinsky's dress were analyzed and the results were revealed:
One was some of Lewinsky's own drool, another was some Special Sauce from a Big Mac and the third was a wad of Bill's!

Q: What does Monica Lewinsky have on her Resume?
A: "Sat on the Presidential Staff"

Q: What's the difference between a transvestite sailor and Monica Lewinsky's wardrobe?
A: When you have a transvestite sailor, you have a dress on a seaman.

Q: What do Monica Lewinsky and Bob Dole have in common?
A: They were both upset when Bill finished first.

Q: What do Monica Lewinsky and Ken Starr have in common?
A: They both want Clinton's head.

Q: Do you know why Clinton doesn't play his saxophone anymore?
A: Because he's been playing with his whoreMonika.

Q: Why did Clinton having so much trouble firing Monica Lewinsky?
A: He couldn't give her a pink slip without asking her to try it on first.

Q: What were Clinton's fist words to Paula Jones at the deposition?
A: "Mow you open your mouth!"

• Truly an eager beaver.
• Uses too much teeth.
• Stays late, comes early.
• Excellent oral dictation skills: has never missed a period.
• Great attitude! Willing to accept a heavy load.
• Frequently complains of jaw pain.
• Although not a whiner, tends to be a moaner.
• "In box" is always clean and shiny.
• Tends to blab on the telephone.
• This intern may suck, but she doesn't inhale.

Monica Lewinsky, in a statement released today, countered the President's firm denial:

"I have had enough. This whole experience has left a bitter taste in my mouth, and I can't stomach any more. I feel as if I am getting the shaft, that this ugly matter has come to a head and blown up in my face.

"This may be a load to handle, but when things get hard, that is when I am at my best. I have faced hard things in the past, and I know what is coming. I will meet this challenge the only way I know how: head on.

"I have licked bigger things than this before, and I will again. No one will ever be able to say that Monica Lewinsky isn't a finisher, that she quit before the job was done. I will work non-stop and fight this, blow by blow, until I am wiped clean of this dirty affair. I will not be stained by it.

"Thank you."

Monica Lewinsky

August 7, 1998

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