Monica Lewinsky

White House Trailer Trash Soap Opera

Starring Smucko, Booba and That Woman

Monica Sings for the Prosecution By Dizzy Spinner Disassociated Press Writer Tuesday, July 28, 1998; 1:23 p.m. EST WASHINGTON (DP) -- Tuesday, lawyers for White House stalker Monica Lewinsky announced an immunity deal with Ken Starr. In return for claiming to have had sex with the president, the White House stalker will not be indicted for perjury, obstruction of justice, several unpaid parking tickets and theft of presidential kneepads. Marcia Lewis, mother of the stalker, will also get immunity for having sex with the president. The stalker's father, Dr. Bernard Lewinsky, could not be reached to answer questions about immunity and having sex with the president. White House counsel Ruff N. Ready conveyed the President's reaction to the announcement. "So, she decided to come clean did she. I hope everything works out for her. We wouldn't want anything to happen to her before she can testify to the grand jury now would we?" Later, White House spokesman, Mike Mushmouth said if Lewinsky sticks to our story her testimony “should not cause a problem for the president.” During a scheduled White House press corps pep rally, Clinton spin-master, James Carville, reminded the assembled reporters that his version of the Lewinsky immunity deal should be attributed as a leak from Ken Starr's office. NOT!News reported that the White House will urge that any testimony by Clinton be put off until after the November elections, citing problems with determining what story to stick to, the time required to prepare the truth and the best fiction writers being on vacation. During a ceremony to dedicate a statue to Bugs Bunny, in Albuquerque, New Mexico, Clinton ignored shouted questions of "What did she blow and when did she blow it?" Incoming White House spokesman, Larry Liar, alleged Monica's immunity is only for having sex with the president. "She will not testify anyone told her to lie." The rest of the spokesman's comments were drowned out by reporters' uncontrollable laughter. Order was finally restored when Mike Mushmouth pulled out a sock-puppet and preformed a scene from the latest episode of "The Anne and Barney Show."   "I got my presidential kneepads. Now you can too without the inconvenience of testifying before a grand jury." -- B.J. Lewinsky Get your presidential kneepads NOW! "The offical kneepad of the oral office." Shoot Out at the Not-So-OK Corral By Ima Liar Disassociated Press Writer Saturday, July 25, 1998; 3:42 p.m. EST WASHINGTON (DP) -- Friday afternoon, Capitol Hill turned into Boot Hill when a lone gunman brought tragedy to the People's House. It is alleged one, Russell Eugene Weston Jr., alleged by parents to be a gold digging Democrat whose "mind doesn't work real good," took extreme measures to meet with his congressional representatives. As the alleged lunatic, in and out of alleged surgery since the alleged shooting, was unavailable for any alleged comments, it is unclear at this time if he was hoping to meet with alleged representatives from Montana, home of his gold mine, or Illinois, home of his alleged parents. As one officer was distracted helping get a wheelchair for an elderly visitor, Russell rushed though a metal detector at the East entrance of the Capital building with .38 Special (previous reported as a pellet gun). During his extremely high profile pilgrimage to Majority Whip, Tom DeLay's office (previously reported as not getting into the building,) the suspect killed two Washington, DC policemen (previously reported as two teenagers,) wounded one tourist (previously reported as a one-armed man running from Dr. Richard Kimble) and started yet another news-cycle. It is unclear if his terminal destination was a coincidence or the gunman thought a representative from Texas could understand his beef with the government for planting landmines on his Montana gold mine. The Secret Service confirmed Weston was on the their "kook" list for claiming, "Bill has hired people to follow and intimidate me. They're threatening to kill me." An agent, requesting anomonity, explained, "People that witness the crimes of this administartion always get this kind of treatment. We figured in a week, he'd just be another suicide in a National Park somewhere." In the fall of 1996, Weston spent 53 days in Montana's state mental hospital for threatening a neighbor who was using a satellite TV dish to spy on him. The wounded tourist was identified as Angela Dickerson, 24. It is believed she has no connection to the old TV series "Police Story." Rumors of her having sex in the Oval Office have not been confirmed. Janet Reno has taken charge of the joint FBI and BATF investigation. Plans for a Sunday morning raid of the armed compound, DC General Hospital, where the suspect has hold up are underway. A spokeman for Operation Fool's Gold said, "We have to move ahead quickly before Weston can molest more of the children he's recruited into his cult. We don't want of have another Waco on our hands." White House sources said the early morning raid would not be necessary as the suspect is expected to have a heart attack later this evening. Ken Starr had no comment on the gunman being subpoenaed to testify before the Monica Lewinsky grand jury. Russell Weston Sr., 66, kicked his son, Russell Jr., 41, out of the family's home Thursday after an argument over Jr. killing more than a dozen cats with a .20-gauge single-barrel shotgun. Lillie, Rusty's grandmother said, "He was just thinning out the herd. That self-defense argument doesn't work any more. When Russell Eugene Weston Jr. showed up at the White House Friday, guards explained the president was at Camp David. Hoping to keep his trip to Washington, DC from being a complete lose, guards suggested going over to the Capitol building and shooting a few congressmen while he was in town. The ACLU has volunteered to represent Weston explaining he is a victim of gold fever and inadequate federal disability (SSI) benefits. © Copyright 1998 The Disassociated Press Top Ten Things You Don't Won't To Say In The Oval Office If you're in the Oval Office, even if you're just playing with Buddy, the first dog, don't ever say, "Come here boy." Other common phrases best not used in the Oval Office: "Want to come with me?" "Mind if I come over?" "Are you coming down with something?" "Is it OK if I come alone?" "The new ambasator has come all the way from Sweden. Would you like her to come in here?" "What has come over you?" "Do you think this spot will come out?" "I don't know what this country is coming to." "My aren't we a comely lass?" "Johnny come lately?" This last one is relatively safe but only if you're on your way out the door. "How kind of you to let me come."

Monica Lewinsky the Spin: "White House Stalker" "Crazy lying bimbo" "Whacky bimbo teams up with out-of-control prosecutor" "She's a liar. She perjured herself in the Paula Jones case." "She's just a kid. How can you trust her judgement." "She'll have sex with anybody, anywhere, anytime. You can't trust a slut." "You can't believe her. She runs around with married men." "How can you trust someone what would have Linda Tripp for a friend?" "Big fat bimbos tell big fat lies." "Her parents are liberals, of course she grew up confused." "She's part of that Hollywood crowd. Drugs, brain damage, you know what I mean." "She's a sexual predator. That's why we had to get her out of the White House." "She was one of those lonely high school kids that make up fantasies and then start to believe them." "First she made up stories to impress her friends. Now she's making up stories to impress Ken Starr." "She's just like all Ken Starr's witnesses. Perjurers and felons." "If she was a real woman, she'd be talking to Hillary instead of a grand jury." "What about Chelsea? Doesn't Monica care that her partisan politics are hurting the children?" "She's doing spreads for magazines. Now she's spreading for Ken Starr. How are the American going to get the truth?" "A blow by blow description. That's what Ken Starr wants. Just more pornography to post to his web site." Monica Lewinsky's semen stained dress is back in the news like a zombie from "Night of the Living Dead." "If the dress is a mess, you must confess." "If he came, he's got to go." "One small stain for man, one giant stain for mankind." "One small stain for the dress, one giant stain for the presidency." "Another stain on the great stonewall." "If it's his stain, he's down the drain." "Hey! Hey! DNA! How many dresses did you stain today?" "Hillary! Where do we keep the spot remover?" "The spotus that removed the POTUS." Q: Who in the FBI lab will analyze the stain? A: The guy that picked the shortest straw? I guess the stain on the dress answers the question, "Does Monica swallow?" Q: Who's paying for Monica's new lawyers? A: Wannabe president, Al Gore. Now that Monica has come clean, Clinton can only hope the dress does too. "I had sex in the Oval Office and all I got was this crummy semen stained dress." If DNA got OJ off for two murders, does Clinton get to stain one more dress? Does this mean we'll have to suffer a "semen stained dress" beanie baby? To prove Monica's stained dress doesn't mean anything, will everyone in the White House start wearing one? All Oval Office visitors are now required to wear bibs to prevent accidental stains. It's a good thing we have DNA testing. I couldn't stand to see a police line up of semen stained dresses. Q: Imagine Clinton's video taped testimony. Ken Starr showing the dress to Clinton and asking, "Is this your stain?" A: "No, it was like that when I got here." Q: When Monica wore the dress in public, did people ask, "My what an original design. Is it French?" A: "No, oral." Did you hear the report that it was a navy blue dress with semen? Navy, seamen, sailors? At least one of the Clinton lairs has a sense of humor and I think we both know which one. If the FBI is checking out the stained dress, does that mean we have G-Men looking for C-Men? Q: Why was Monica's stained dress turned over to the Navy? A: Because Ken Starr wanted to find semen. The Oval Office now has a sign on the door that reads, "Remove dress before entering." Q: Why was Clinton yelling at Monica's dress? A: He saw a commercial that said if you have a stain, "Shout it out!"

Previous Clinton/Monica Jokes page Monica Lewinsky-Anka Products - Just the thing for those tough semen stains. Scandalous Limerix - Find our what rhymes with bimbo. Presidential Kneepads - They work even if you don't shallow. Clinton/Lewinsky - This bumper sticker will be a collector's item someday. NOT!News - Looking for new stuff? Here it is.

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