I was thinking -- Don't worry. I'm a professional. I've been trained to deal with the unwanted thoughts that result from excess thinking. -- What if White House intern Monica Lewinsky was telling the truth? I mean if one of her many versions of the truth was actually accurate. Suppose she really did go to the White House to meet Betty Currie, the president's personal secretary.
We'd be talking red hot lesbian action here; Monica under the desk with Betty stuff. I know everyone wants the lurid details. The kind of thing that just sizzles off the page. I've seen the TV rating just like everyone else and I know what sells. That's why I'm saving the juicy details for my book deal. So all you'll be getting here is the general outline. Sort of a hook for the soon to be found publisher.
It was inevitable that Monica and Betty would meet during the normal course of they duties in the White House but neither could have imagined the bond that would form between them. Realizing they were truly soul mates, the two began to meet in the White House after hours. The relationship continued to blossom over the months that followed until Hillary got wind of the goings on. Anyone smiling in the White House sets off alarm bells far and wide.
Hillary waited until she could catch them in the act and confront them. "This is the loyalty you show me after all I've done for the both of you?"
Monica reacts first. Jumping to her feet and pulling down her dress she bellows, "Done for me? You call this crummy intern job doing something for me? You wait and see! Vernon knows how to find real jobs!"
"Real jobs? You call a $10 a blow job street walker a real job? I'll show you a real job. I'll stick your ass in the Pentagon where you'll be surrounded on all five sides by horny military men," Hillary crows.
Even the Pentagon wasn't enough to keep our two star crossed lovers apart. Monica continued to visit Betty in the White House after hours. Even when Betty was on vacation, Hillary signed Monica in using Betty's name just to berate her. Hillary knew she didn't have a chance with Monica but desire isn't always reasonable.
The pentagon couldn't prevent true love but it could nourish sweet revenge. You can't work in the Pentagon for long without learning the art of war.
Monica soon learned Linda Tripp carried a tape recorder at all times. Befriending this lonely paranoid was only the first step of the long journey to pay back. Along the way, Monica picked up a voice impersonator from "The Capital Steps" to call her answering machine and leave messages from "the president."
With the help of a mutual friend, Monica even got Kathy Willie to claim the president groped her.
Finally with all the pieces in place, she leaks the story to the media and the rest is history.
Leaking false information about the grand jury proceedings to the media, one day claiming to be with the White House, the next from Starr's investigation, Monica was able to spin the story out of control.
Even when her own mother fainted during a grand jury hearing after viewing a security camera videotape of Monica and Betty locked in an embrace of passion, Monica was still able to blame the story on the mean-spirited Ken Starr.
It's a shame Monica wasn't ready to come out of the closet, a guest spot on Ellen's TV show probably would have bought it another season.
OK Carville, I know you're reading this so cough up the money and no more of that "the check is in the mail" crap. I only deal in cash. You said no one could come up with an explanation for Clinton's not "improper sexual relationship" with Monica but I just did so read it and weep.
This is a fictional piece. Any relation to characters real or imagined is not because I'm an SOB (Supporter of Bill) but pure coincidence (or maybe in the dirty mind of the reader.)
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May 15, 1998 |
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