Monica Lewinsky

White House Trailer Trash Soap Opera

Starring Smucko, Booba and That Woman

"Mr. President! Are the rumors true that you prefer WD-40 over Quaker Oil for the First Zipper?"
-- Sam Donaldson, White House press conference, 1998

As usual, tonight's twisted humor started because of the email someone sent me -- please note that is not to discount the twisted books people loan me.

So anyway, I was asked a simple question -- You know like "what time is it?" and you tell the guy how to make a clock (as opposed to the twisted books that suggest, "Drop dead! Steal a watch!" "This precise moment in time." or as they say in London when you're standing under Big Ben, "I take it you're from Texas.") -- and had to write an essay.

Question: Here's one I can't find an ending to:
This is the 1st time in history the horMonicca blew the ...

Short answer:

This is the 1st time in history a whore-Monica blew the president.

Long answer:

Clinton was on MTV blowing a sax. Now whore-Monica will be on the Playboy channel blowing Clinton.

Clinton will no longer end press conferences with, "I'm off to my whore-Monica lesson."

You have to give the White House press corps credit. They can still sit through "Hail to the Chief" and ask the president questions.
Me, I'd think of Monica Lewinsky in the Oval Office humming "Hail to the Chief" and double over laughing.
And If I ever recovered from the laughter, I'd ask Mike McCurry, the White House spokesman, "Hey, Mike. Is that some more of that presidential 'no comment' dripping off the presidential seal?"
-- or "Mike, wipe you chin. Guess you haven't been alone with Monica either?"
-- or "Back off everyone. It looks like another case of spontaneous bimbo eruption."
-- or "We know you can't comment but could you hum a few bars."
-- or "I know drug dealers, gun-runners, crooks and whores have always had access to the White House but in the past we always had to have press credentials."
-- or "From the smile on your face, is it safe to assume Monica Lewinsky is sitting behind that podium?"
-- or "Isn't it the economy stupid?" (At this point the press conference broke up as the press corps chased James Carville from the room.)

But you have to admire Sam Donaldson. He's lost his hair. He can't get a good piece to cover the bald spot. He can't afford to have someone do something about those eyebrows and still he has the piece of mind to ask those questions that really go to the heart of the matter. Like, "Boxers or briefs?" "Button fly or zipper?" "Did she swallow?" "Mr. President, what are you hiding and did Monica see it?"

"Thank god we have a Democrat in office, otherwise we'd have to go through another impeachment."

If we were playing "Clue" it would be "Monica Lewinsky in the Oval Office with the magic flute."

Military response to having a draft dodger as Commander-In-Chief:
Marine Corps: If we told you, you'd have to kill us.
Navy: If he so much as steals a napkin in the Persian Gulf, we can chop his hands off.
Army: As long as he's only ordering air strikes, let the fly-boys worry about it.
Air Force: Hey! Wait a minute!

Secret service code name for Monica Lewinsky: "The Hoover." -- I knew I could find a vacuum cleaner joke in there somewhere.

Now that the Revlon job didn't work out, I hear Monica Lewinsky was offered a job removing chrome from trailer hitches.

The TV show "That Girl" is coming back as a movie. "That Woman," starring Bill Clinton and Monica Lewinsky.

New TV sitcom: "The Creep and Booba." Booba is Monica's nickname for Hillary when she's out of town. -- When Hillary's in town, it's "Duck Smucko! Here comes a lamp!"

Latest White House spin: Monica Lewinsky's story has no creditability. They can prove she had affairs with other men.

Now that Clinton has defined "That Woman" as Monica Lewinsky. Every man in America who is having an affair can tell his wife with a straight face, "No dear, I wasn't out with 'That Woman'."

El Nino storms are dumping too much snow on the Winter Olympics in Japan. So the Japanese embassy in Washington asked the White House to send some snow blowers. Due to a translation error, Monica Lewinsky is now shoveling snow in the Olympic Village.

From the deep, dark recesses of my mind, I've dredged up the seed of the most politically incorrect joke yet to be spewed on the faces of the American public. Jew's harp . Yes, as usual, I don't have to make this stuff up. It writes itself.

Jew's harp n : a small lyre-shaped instrument that is placed between the teeth and played by twanging a wire tongue while changing the shape of the mouth cavity [syn: Jew's harp, Jews' harp, jews' harp, mouth bow]

Now we know why they call a whore-Monica, a mouth organ.

Clinton was in the Oval Office fiddling with his "Jew's harp," while Hillary burned.

Q: What code phrase did Betty Currie, the President's personal secretary, use to let Clinton know Monica Lewinsky was coming down for a visit."
A: "Your Jew's harpist is here to play 'Hail to the Chief.'"

Previous Clinton/Monica Jokes page I Love Monica Lewinsky Presidential Kneepads - Not just for breakfast anymore. Indoor/outdoor, home or work, you never know when you'll need kneepads. The L Files. L is for Lewinsky. Clinton/Lewinsky - This bumper sticker will be a collector's item someday. Scandalous Limerix - Rhyme, smyme. He's still a slime. NOT!News - OK, if you think you're tuff enuff and ruff enuff then this is the stuff.

This web page conspired by the Vast Right-Wing Conspiracy.