For all those lucky souls on life support whose sole connect to the outside world is a wireless email account, I should review the events of Saturday, April 22, 2000, 5:00 AM, five days after the 39th anniversary of the Bay of Pigs Invasion but by pure coincidence, the day Castro scheduled his celebration of the event in Cuba.

In Little Havana, Miami, Florida with dawn breaking on a Saturday morning and morning edition press deadlines well past, over 150 federal agents, popularly known as Reno's Raiders, executed "Operation: Reunion," O.R. for short.

O.R. was Janet "Shake and Bake" Reno's plan (but telepathically approved sight unseen by Bill "the Buck Stopped There" Clinton) to reunite Elian Gonzalez with his father in Maryland (or his mother in the belly of a shark.) The military precision and discipline required for over 150 of Reno's Raiders, armed only with HK MP-5 9MM submachine guns, sidearms, stun-grenades, body armor, hard-encrypted combat communications gear and poison pills (in the event of capture by the media) to defeat, with only minor casualties (a few photos on the AP wire service,) almost a dozen unarmed civilians in a residential dwelling heavy fortified by chain-link fence will go down in the annals of history with the Titanic, the Hindenberg and that little short guy at Waterloo.

Ok, enough background. Let's see if we can find some humor in this ancient lesbian husk. Since a picture is worth a thousand warts, I'll take captions for $100.

The first photo is the classic, "Storm trooper, finger near the trigger, barrel near the target, discovers Elian and fisherman in the closet."

• "I found you. You wascally wabbit."
• "This is the new Army. It's ok to come out of the closet."
• Janet Reno's Improvisation Troupe reenacts Kristallnacht (The Night of Broken Glass) for Elian Gonzalez.
• "Who took my Eggo?"
• "Tag you're it. No tag backs and I really mean it."
• "Pull my finger."
• "Ok, pervert! Out of the closet and drop the kid!"
• Reno's Raiders rescue Elian from the fisherman that prevented the earlier reunion with his mother at sea.
• Government sponsored alien abduction.

• "Freedom is a disease, I'm the cure."
• "I'm from the government, and I'm here to help."
• "Wanna see my Nazi tattoo?"
• "Don't ask, don't tell."
• "This is more fun than Waco!"
• "Happy Easter!"
• "I'm wearing green in honor of Earth Day."
• "We don't need no stinkin' Bill of Rights!"
• "Guns don't kill people, I do!"

• "It’s o.k. Elian, just think of me as a friendly dolphin here to rescue you."
• "Scream again and I shoot the fisherman in the arm!"
• "We scare the crap out of more people by 5 a.m. than most gun toting freaks do all day!"
• "Sorry sir, just because you fished him out of the ocean doesn’t mean you get to keep him."
• "I just transferred in from New York and boy is my trigger finger tired. No, that was a joke, don’t cry!"
• "In all the confusion I can’t remember if I shot off 39 or 40 rounds. So you’ve got to ask yourself one question. Do I feel lucky. Well do you, punk?"
• "Sorry if I’m a little edgy. If I would have known we were going to raid this morning, I wouldn’t have sniffed that coke earlier."
• "So Elian, are you enjoying you new found freedom in America?"
• "Sorry, Ms. Reno couldn’t make it this morning. I’m her stunt double, Bob."
• "I haven’t seen anything this sick sense the time we had to rip Macalay Culkin away from Michael Jackson."
• "I caught him fair and sqare. If you want a small Cuban boy, go fish your own out."

Our second photo is "Little boy, kicking and screaming, descending the staircase." Note, Elian's missing lower middle tooth.

• "Kid! Bite me again and I knock another tooth out!"
• Finding Elian hiding under his pillow, the Tooth Fairy Battalion mistakenly took the boy and left the tooth.
• Reno's Raiders aid dentist in extraction.
• Reno's Raiders put the Cuban back in the humidor.
• Dissatified with their choices for Senator, New Yorkers draft a new candidate.

• "Don't listen to that jackass behind us Elian, we're not going to throw you back in the ocean."

• "Daddy! Daddy! Save one for me to shoot!"
• Troop mascot attempts to keep up with the attack.
• Having exited their clown car disguised as INS agents, Reno's Raiders storm the gates of Elian's compound.
• After misinterpreting "Elian's not here" as "hey, it's free beer," all order was lost as Reno's Raider invade the wrong home.
• Reno's Raiders, posing as circus midgets, trick the Elian family into inviting them in.
• "Careful men. Intelligence says they're armed with a shrink ray."
• The story of the littlest Reno Raider begins with Operation: Reunion.

• Not able to make the trip herself, Janet sent Mini Reno to head to up he raid.
• Storming troops fear the worst for Elian after seeing our Lord and Savior brutally nailed to the side of the residence.
• Cleverly disguised in an INS uniform, Elian ambushes the unexspecting INS Officers from behind.

Miranda Rights

Usted tiene el derecho de guardar el silencio. Caulquier cosa que Usted diga puede ser usada contra Usted en una corte de ley.

Usted tiene el derecho de hablar con un abogado, y tener un abogado presente durante neustras preguntas.

Si Usted quiere un abogado antes de o durante nuestras preguntas, pero no tiene medios para emplear un abogado, se le asignara uno, sin costo, antes de iniciarse las preguntas.

AltaVista Translation:

You have the right to keep silence. Caulquier thing that You say you can be used against You in a law cut.

You have the right to speak with a lawyer, and to have a present lawyer during neustras questions.

If You love a lawyer before or during our questions, but she does not have means to use a lawyer, assigned one to him, without cost, before beginning the questions.

Castro's latest joke:
Q: How many imperialist swine does it take to capture a six-year-old son of the glorious revolution?
A: At least a 150 and their Attorney General is still shaking.

After the AP photo of the raid on Elian's compound hit the wires, I bet Clinton was pining away for the good old days of simple sex scandals.

April 25, 2000

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