Now you people listen to this because I'm not going to repeat myself again.

I banged her like a cheap gong. I nailed her ass to my oak desk in the Oval Office. Yes, I left "That Woman" oiled and soiled on the Presidential Seal. I'm only sorry the Paula Jones lawyers made me lie about it.

I didn't want to cause my family any pain (OK, maybe just a little for that bitch Hillary.) but this isn't my fault. The Vast Right Wing Conspiracy put Monica Lewinsky, three goats, two donkeys and a midget in a raincoat in the Oval Office. They even flew in the 55-gallon drum of whip cream and rubber sheets. Could you have resisted this temptation or are you one of them people that hate us folks from Arkansas?

Today, I was asked questions in the Grand Jury no one should have to answer. "Did Monica Lewinsky inhale?" "Did you promise not to cum on her dress?" "Do you really have 'Hello, Sailor!' tattooed on you ass?"

I may have misled the American people but it's really Ken Starr's fault. After 4 years and $40 million all he has to show for his investigation is this crummy apology.

If you can't put this behind us, then maybe me and 1000 FBI files can.

Hold it. Rewind the tape. I have a better idea. It's all Hillary's fault.

She hired Monica Lewinsky and Linda Tripp to setup an "Adultery Trap" so she could divorce me.

Yeah, that's the ticket. Hey, you behind the camera. I'm ready now. Let's roll it.

"Nothing like relaxing on your presidental kneepads after a good cigar." -- Ms. Blewinsky

Tonight, the President of the United States went before the American people on national television and vomited an apology into our laps. Tomorrow, it will be our choice whether or not to lick it up.

Squatting in a dark corner of the White House, Clinton threw turds at his detractors. As always, his perpetual defenders were there to shallow them and beg for more.

Feeling the torch of truth had been extinguished, the liars of the liar, slithered forward to defend the indefensible. With nothing more than their slime trails as a backdrop, they stood up, leaned into the audience and feed on their own lies.

After repetition, the words of the defenders have become meaningless but their voices continue to screech like chalk on blackboard.

Ancient, aging flesh, coming on young naive flesh is a private affair between mother, daughter and an age old god cast down by the Christian Bible.

Clinton has raped the truth and dumped her into the snow by the side of the road. Now we have to explain to our children why that women is naked and shivering?

On August 17, 1998, the President of the United States went on national television before the American People, before his wife, his daughter and their god, and lied.

Bill Clinton raped the Truth and dumped her in a snow bank by the side of the road.

From her pale complexion and the small trickle of blood beneath her nose, we know Freedom of the Press is in shock from her beating and can render neither assistance nor give explanation for Truth, her naked and shivering companion, on this lonely highway to America's Heartland.

Behind them, the abandoned VW bug, decorated with flower decals and Clinton/Gore campaign bumper stickers, suggests the identity of the serial rapist but only a full investigation can prove it in the Court of Public Opinion.