First a free plug for our friend Joe Bob Briggs. He's hosting MonsterVision. It airs Friday nights at 11PM EST/8PM PST on TNT.
The July issue of furious is online. Both articles,
December 31, 1999,
23:59:59: Mankind beats the computers to the punch
and The
President's Reelection is Missing, are available.
This week:
It's 10 o'clock. Do you know where your FBI files are?
Carville pulls out a hundred dollar bill, one of those new ugly ones that look like monopoly money, and snaps it in front of Igor's face. The flight has landed in New York and is taxing to the gate but James has become bored.
Igor: "If I let you break three eggs on my head, you'll give me a hundred dollars? The Web Walker treats me worst and pays less. You've got yourself a deal."
From seemly nowhere, Vince Foster produces three eggs. Probably that same nowhere he's been putting away all the booze during the entire flight.
Carville takes the first egg and breaks it on Igor's head. The yolk runs forward and begins dripping from his eye brows. The second egg leaves yolk dripping off the end of Igor's nose. James takes the third egg from Vince and stares into Igor's face.
Carville: "You know, it's a kind of perverted guy that would give up a hundred bucks just to crack three eggs. But you know something? I just don't feel like cracking that third egg."
The plane comes to a halt at the gate. Before Igor can finish plotting his revenge, I drag him to the exit hatch. As we pass an ugly guy with his face dyed blue, I snatch a couple of his paper towels and hand them to Igor.
Outside the terminal, Igor's phone rings. Igor answers it, listens for a minute, snaps to attention, salutes and hands the phone to Carville. After a short but animated conversation, James hangs up.
Carville: "That was Hillary. She wants me to come back and run the campaign."
Web: "Why bother? You can't beat Dole now."
Carville: "Are you crazy? Can't beat Dole? Even if he gets Colin Powell to run with him, he doesn't have chance. We've got 20 points on them without breaking a sweat."
Web: "We both know it's really closer to ten but that doesn't matter. What does matter is we've already rigged the election. Any computer counting ballots will be counting for us."
Carville: "You've stuck your finger in the wrong hornet's nest this time Web. This isn't over by a long shot."
With that, James steps into a presidential limo that has pulled up and returns to inside the beltway.
Web: "Igor, what happened to Vince?"
Igor: "He said he's got a job with ValuJet as their spokesman. He'll be doing commercials as their only repeat customer."
Web: "ValuJet? Even terrorists are afraid to fly ValuJet."
A taxi comes to a stop in front of us. A window rolls down. A head appears in the now open window and Pat Buchanan asks, "You guys need a ride to Paris?"
Chapter six: "Deathwatch at the Watergate hotel" or "The bodies are buried in Paris, Arkansas."
Some URL's I found buried under my in-basket.
From: Jim Bergsten <bergsten@arkres.com>
Subject: Remember this?
http://cws.wilmington.net/win95.html
From: Jim Bergsten <bergsten@arkres.com>
Subject: A little off your usual beat...
... http://www.consumerworld.org/
In the year 2000, the 2nd America Civil War (or War Between the States, the Sequel to some of us) has cooled down to a Cold Civil War. Some took to calling it the Uncivil War because both sides mostly just don't talk to each other.
The trouble started when New York asked to join the now restored Soviet Union citing Poland as a member of both NATO and the Warsaw Pact nations. California fueled the fire by declaring itself part of both Mexico and the United States.
Rather than claim the right to succeed from the nation, the western states got together and threw California and New York out of the union. For good measure, they proclaimed Washington, DC a state and promptly tossed it out also.
Nothing much happened until Utah started stopping cars with California plates and deporting the occupants to Mexico. Arizona didn't mind. They just added their illegal aliens to the buses as they passed through. Of course, California couldn't let this stand and launched "The Paisley Invasion" bringing Nevada into the conflict.
New York continued to ignore everything west of the Hudson River until Colorado shoot down a "red-eye" destined for San Francisco for violating their airspace. This prompted New York to invade New Jersey. Not because they thought New Jersey was responsible but just because they felt New Jersey needed it's ass kicked.
The territorial disputes eventually stabilized into "The People's Republic of the West Coast," "The Eastern Seaboard Soviet Collective" and the "Free States." The Midwest continues to be referred to as "The Occupied Territory" but no one seems to be sure who is occupying it.
The northern states controlling the nuclear war machine remained neutral but let the rest of world know this was a family fight and they didn't want a piece of it. Iraq was the only country that just couldn't take a hint.
"Desert Revenge" was a short lived exchange, Iraq - 10 megatons, USA - 10 million megatons. Thirty minutes later, fill dirt became more valuable the gold in Iraq. The Iraqi first (and last) strike, consisting of a single missile, hit Wyoming narrowly missing Buffalo, now home of this week's URL's.
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