Hello,
It's alive! Netscape 3.0 beta 5 has hit the streets. Don't forget the new version of Gold is also out.
Now that the vacation plans have become twice as clear as mud, I thought I'd remind the Web Surfers of a couple of URL resources, The Plug of the Day and The Web Surfer Report (Enhanced for Netscape 2.0) (both require Netscape 2.0 or better), available at my web site. The Plug of the Day links to a different web site everyday. The Web Surfer Report (Enhanced for Netscape 2.0) points to a web page of links. It's also updated daily and makes for an interesting starting point.
If progress is the future, is congress the past?
The airline representative looks around vainly for support in dealing with these strange requests coming from these equally strange people. Before the look of panic completely fills her eyes, Igor steps forward and hands her his cellular phone.
Igor: "It's for the you. I think Harvey, the chairman of this airline, can explain everything."
On the other side of the counter, our representative is nodding into the phone and typing seldom used magic reservation codes into the terminal.
Web: "Better keep the seats around us clear. We're expecting company."
She looks up to ask a question, reconsiders and just nods. While she's wondering why she ever took this job in the first place, we head for the gate and onto the plane.
After conceding it's impractical to leave a cart full of booze in the middle of the aisle during the entire flight, the contents are emptied into a nearby seat within easy reach.
A fellow passenger, returning from the restroom in the rear of the plane, stops next to us, looks at Carville and says, "I know you. You're Yul Brunner. Right?"
The Web Walker finds this unusually humorous and starts laughing. His behavior, of course, attracts the obvious tourist's unwanted attention and brings the comment, "Aren't you Jerry Garcia?"
By now, Igor in hooting, hollering, stomping his feet and generally pointing and giggling in our direction. This spectacle of course brings our soon to be unfortunate visitor to tell Igor, "Wow, you're Igor. I really like your stories. Great work."
Before James and I can turn this wise-ass into a cheap suit pretzel, a stewardess herds our should have been victim to safety.
Settling into the slow routine of a long flight, we decide it's time to gather some intelligence. It's time to speak with the dead. Using ancient New Age mystic secrets learned in the White House, Carville has asked Vince Foster to join us.
James: "Vince, how's it hanging?"
Vince: "A little breezy but I guess it's better than being grilled by Congress."
James: "Let's not get into the draft issue again. It's not important now, what is important is the manhunt. Does the White House know where we are?"
Vince: "Well, they finally found your FBI files. No thanks to your little trick of switching the file jackets. They pulled the files of everyone that's been in the White House since the Nixon administration just to find yours. When word of this little fishing expedition hit the streets, the media and congress were in their eyes like onions. Right now, they're too busy manning the shredders to brother with you clowns."
As Foster paws though our improvised liquor bar and makes himself the largest martini I've ever seen, the Web Walker wonders to himself if talking to dead guys might have some unforeseen side effects. LIKE running out of booze before we get to New York!
Vince: "Hey, if you'd been dead a couple of years you'd be thirsty too. Besides, the guy in seat 11B is a sky-jacker and plans to take us on a little detour to Cuba."
James: "The short, ugly one? I know how to handle this."
Carville walks up behind the amateur sky-jacker, yanks him from the seat and drags him back to the restroom. The flight attendants, having already decided their best course of action is to stay out of our way during this trip, watch in confusion.
Returning a few minutes later, Carville drops into his seat, picks up his Jack Daniels and announces to no one in particular, "With a blue head, we don't have to worry about anyone taking that character seriously."
With his face and hair stained blue from the toilet water, our would be sky-jacker looks more likely to start a punk rock band than commit a federal felony.
For the rest of the flight, the young children on the plane openly torment our small, ugly and now blue friend.
Chapter five: "Where the hell is Paris, really?" or "Joe Bob Briggs says we can drive there."
From: help@nowhere.com
Subject: info
help
To: help@nowhere.com
Subject: Re: info
Hello,
Thank you for a clear simple request.
First make sure all the doors and windows are locked. This will buy
you some time. Next defensive explosives can be made from common objects
found around the house. See:
http://www.gibson.com/users/pdavis/underground/thb/thb_title.html
Now if you've left the keys in your car then the doors and windows are already locked and that's the problem. Take a coat hanger and straighten it out then bend a little hook in the end. Slide the coat hanger between the glass of the window and the body of the car. Inside the door is a wire that's connected to the door lock. Pull up on it and the door will open.
If you're currently being car-jacked the Dallas police have some suggestions [ http://www.airmail.net/dpd/carjack.htm ] but they don't seem that helpful to me.
You could wait for Netscape 3.0 Beta 5. The problem is probably fixed in that version.
You could subscribe to the Web Surfers Report mailing list [ http://www.pobox.com/~the.web.walker/report/sub.htm ] and the answer may be in this Sunday's report but I sense you need an answer now.
I do have some Web Authoring tips handy:
http://www.pobox.com/~the.web.walker/report/tips/index.htm
http://www.bayarea.net/~arkres/wiltb/bayarea/
If the problem is Three Stooges related, I'll have to turn you over to "Our Semi-Online Three Stooges Information Resource" [ http://www.bayarea.net/~arkres/wiltb/audio/3stooges/qanda.htm ].
You could try the Bad Answer Man ! [ http://www.tiac.net/users/lou35/ ]. I've found him helpful in the past even if I do have doubts about his taste in women.
I could turn you over to our technical support line but this is the
answer you're likely to get:
http://www.pobox.com/~the.web.walker/report/ws101595.htm
If this guy, http://ekeko.rcp.net.pe/rcp.html, is after you, I'm not sure what anyone can do to help. Well, maybe Art Bell [ http://www.artbell.com/ ] could give some advice.
Faced with a problem such as your, there is only one sure fire solution.
The Magic Eight Ball:
http://www.indra.com/resources/magic-8-ball.html
http://www.callamer.com/~rocks/main.html
http://walden.mo.net/~talon006/eightball.htm
http://register.cnet.com/Resources/Software/Selections/Pcgames/8ball.html
http://www.resort.com/~banshee/Misc/8ball/
(Bob should be as good as an Eight Ball in a pinch)
http://www.emf.net/~estephen/magic.html
All kidding aside, I have your answer and if you send $50 US and a stamped, self addressed envelope to The Web Walker @ pobox.com, I'll send the answer.
...wtb... - http://www.lies.com/
From: "Bob Kennedy" <rkennedy@sonic.net>
Subject: Dear Web Walker
X-URL: http://www.byrum.org/the.web.walker/report/ws122595.html
Congratulations .... YOU DID IT !!!!
The Awesome Site Cowpie Award .... given in recognition of your
hard work .... your dedication to the INTERNET .... and for helping to
celebrate the Christmas in July ... and ALL YEAR ROUND !!!
http://www.socool.com/socool/news/awesome.html
Now do your best NOT to step in it !!!
Bob Kennedy
SoCoOL ... Sonoma County ONLINE
http://www.socool.com/socool/
Always check What's New ???
http://www.socool.com/socool/whatsnew.html
To: the.web.walker@pobox.com
Subject: Your site awarded 3 stars by Magellan
Greetings WebMaster! Our records show that you are the contact person for
Removing the mystery of toasters
http://www.bayarea.net/%7Ewiltb/chr/
Your Internet site has been reviewed and rated by The McKinley Group's
{bah.., bah..., bah..., URL!} http://www.mckinley.com/feature.cgi?faq_bd
As an award winning site, we encourage you to display your 3-Star logo
proudly. It can be downloaded from our special 3-Star Web site at
http://www.mckinley.com/3star/3star.html
and hyperlinked to our home page at
http://www.mckinley.com/
{Come on, get on with it.}
Congratulations again on your 3-Star award! We wish you continued success
in all of your online endeavors.
Sincerely,
The McKinley Group, Inc.
http://www.mckinley.com
From: Jim Bergsten <bergsten@arkres.com>
Subject: Know about this?
http://query1.whowhere.com/jwz/name.wsrch?name=Jim+Bergsten&org=&match=inexact
The bartender, better known as Moe, says, "That's fantastic. Where'd you get it?"
Barney, unable to take his eyes off the beer spout, points a thumb behind him and replies, "There's a genie outside granting wishes."
Moe hits the door running and finds himself in the middle of pandemonium. No, not a newly discovered element. The State of Confusion, a recently formed country between North and South Korea -- but I digress.
There's a genie in the street. People are shouting wishes. Stuff is magically appearing left and right, over and under. Small animals and children are being trampled by the mob. Fearlessly, Moe wades into the crowd and shouts his wish, "A MILLION BUCKS!"
Head bowed, Moe dejectedly returns to the bar followed by more ducks than I care to count but we can safely assume a real genie wouldn't short change him.
As Moe enters, Barney asks, "Why the sad look? Did your wish go wrong?"
Moe complains, "No, it's not that. When you said Jeannie, I thought you meant Barbara Eden was outside."
Barney replies, "Well, you're not the only one disappointed around here. Do you think I asked for a ten inch pianist? No! I asked for ... this week's URL's."
The Web Surfers Report is also available from the websurfer mailing list:
June 30, 1996 |
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