The Web Surfers Report

Hello,

What the hell is going on? Buchanan wins in New Hampshire and everyone starts acting like their heads are on fire and their ass holes are catching?

In the last two days, three people have been "spam subscribed" on to my mailing lists. Doorman has discovered the AOL conspiracy to have Ball Buster Video distribute it's kiddie porn. Mdpas's junk email pen pals have started playing hardball. My grandson has been running around all day with a hair up his ass and I'm still trying to recover from a bad case of Elvis overload.

While I'm trying to discover the entertainment value in all of this madness, let's review New Hampshire.

The candidates are getting off the bus in Dixville Notch. Dole with 11 votes is singing, "This land is my land. This land is our land." Alexander with 5 votes shouts at everyone to get out of the race before he has to kick their butts. Buchanan with 2 votes gives Dole a quick kick to the back of the knee, forcing Dole to use a cane for the rest of the campaign.

Forbes appears stunned after getting the bill for his one vote. Lugar got one vote from a local citizen that mistook his name for a position on gun bans. Dornan is lost in a beat up rent-a-wreck in Connecticut.

Gramm, home enjoying a mint julep, is watching the Three Stooges marathon on the Family Channel. Keyes and Taylor are trapped in the back of the bus listening to old war stories from some winos.

Web: Yahoo! (Web runs off the set.)

Igor: While Web's bookie explains to him the bet is for the entire state of New Hampshire, not just Dixville Notch, I'll try to cover the chaos here. We have predicted Alexander (23%) third but are saying it's neck and neck between Buchanan (27%) and Dole (26%).

Bob: All the candidates have declared this a two man race. They just can't agree on which two men. Forbes (12%) will be campaigning hard in Delaware against no one. Keyes (3%) will also be there but we're not allowed to report on that.

Web: Late breaking news from Delaware. It's Forbes, Dole, Buchanan and Alexander. Bob. Can you explain this for the folks?

Bob: No. I'm still trying to discover the entertainment value in all of this madness.

Web: Igor?

Igor: I'm trying to catch up to Buchanan at the head of a column of peasants armed with pitchforks. They are storming the Forbes castle as the drawbridge rises! Pat. Pat Buchanan, can you explain this to our viewers?

Pat: No, Igor. Sadly, I can't. My movement is some what like EST. You just have to "get it." (Pat and this army turn toward Arizona and march over the horizon.)

A campaign bus, painted red, white and blue, pulls up. As the passengers emerge, they appear to be shell shocked from the recent rash of email bombings. One is gnawing on a "10 free hours of AOL" disk. A banner on the side of the bus reads, "This weeks URL's."

1. Rats To Cats! - for the literate cat fan.
2. Kasparov vs Deep Blue - in case you missed the game.
3. Ellison Webderland: The Harlan Ellison Homepage - something for our science fiction fans.
4. U.S. SPACE CAMP® - become a real space cadet.
5. Group 2 Alien 'Scout' - a little tongue in cheek UFO reporting.
6. The Dr. Science Question of the Day - Ask Dr. Science. He knows more than you do.
7. Worlds Fastest Talker - just the thing for the political season.
8. Art Bell - The Charles Fort of radio. Audio clips and gifs' ghosts, ufo, etc.
9. The Netizen - Impolitic - political commentary.
10. Man I'm telling you, I've got a bad feeling about this drop! - a personal home page about the Alien movies.

Last Week's Report

The Web Surfers Report is also available from the websurfer mailing list:

• Join the list.
• Get off the list.