Having fulfilled the mandatory waiting period, we're ready to begin this weeks report.
Headline: Buchanan wins Alaska, Forbes second.
The inside story:
Alaska seceded from the union early in the Clinton administration. Since political campaign visits are an important source of revenue for the state, Alaska decided to keep a low profile and not open fire on Fort Sumter.
The vote for Pat Buchanan is really a protest. Alaska is trying to send the Republican party a message. If you can't field any right-wing candidates, at least send more candidates. Forbes was given some votes to remind the rest of the country, "Yes, we do have television sets."
In New Hampshire, the vote was taken seriously and caused panic. The citizens of New Hampshire, who like to convince the rest of us they already know who's going to win, were reported as accosting pollsters and giving them their new corrected opinions.
The resulting chaos has left Dole and Forbes running neck and neck. Phil Gramm was seen asking a CNN camera crew if he was still in the race. The other Republican candidates were quoted as, "Me, too!"
The Louisiana Caucus: Buchanan - 13, Gramm - 8, Alan Keyes - 0.
Web: Tonight, live coverage from the Louisiana Caucus. Igor are you there?
Igor: Yes, Web. I'm in the middle of a scene of unbelievable chaos. This small precinct in a backwater town has become the battleground for a political massacre. To my right, the remaining Gram supporters, bloodied and missing limbs, huddle for a final defense. To their right, a large number of very satisfied looking alligators are milling around among bodies and body parts. Most are wearing Buchanan buttons but from here I can see a few Dole buttons. In the background Alan Keyes is still tried to force a CNN reporter to turn on the camera. Uh, oh. It looks like some of the 'gators are starting to eye the media. Back to you Web.
Web: Thanks Igor. Sounds like Alaska without the polar bears. Let's see if Analyst Arnold Adams can shed some light on this event.
Arnold: Thanks, Web. What we have here is a brilliant piece of strategy. Phil Gramm's people put this whole event together and figured it was in their pocket. The Buchanan campaign sandbagged the pollsters and were able to blind side Gram. It's not possible to say how many of the campaign managers of the candidates not running in Louisiana saw this as a chance to crush a strong opponent but a least Dole's actively supported Buchanan. At his point, the Buchanan campaign should attack Dole. If Buchanan can split the vote between Dole and Forbes, he could go to the convention as the king maker. Back to you Web.
Web: Arnold, what do you think Buchanan will do in Iowa?
Arnold: Lay low and save his money for New Hampshire. The "also running pack" should try to finish off Gramm in Iowa. Gramm's best bet is to help Forbes take Dole out early. If Gramm makes the mistake of attacking Buchanan in Iowa, he'll move from head of the pack to just another member of the pack.
Web: Thank you, Arnold. Good night folks and be sure to join us next week for "The Iowa Caucus: First Cut or Back Stabbing Fest."
If this report pushed any of your buttons, before you hit that send key, remember:
The Prime Directive - Include a new URL. The primary purpose of the mailing list continues to be the exchange of URL's.
Subsection 1.2 - This is a discussion about strategies and tactics not issues. Weird theories, like Forbes is running to force a brokered convention to get Jack Kemp in the race, are fair game. The merits of a flat tax plan are not.
Numero three-o - I'm really not looking for a flame war here. See rules one and two.
A large alligator wearing a "Get off the Dole" button crawls forward. Opening it's mouth a severed forearm drops to the stage. The hand is holding a small bloody note. The black note in quickly scribbled red letters reads, "This weeks URL's."
The Web Surfers Report is also available from the websurfer mailing list:
February 11, 1996 |
Web Surfer Home Page |
Webmaster: The Web Walker |
