Dole Marches Into Atlanta
The Republican party reenacts the War Between the States.
"Get all the reporters on the bus … then drive it off
a cliff."
- a campaign organizer
A deadline is staring me in the eyes like a hooded cobra. I've been up for the last five days. Bourbon has replaced beer to keep up this pace. My notebook is filled with gibberish. Columbia, South Carolina began my down fall. I thought I could handle it but I was wrong.
The South Carolina debate put the WWF to shame. First the warm up bouts. A&E opens with the liar episode of their Voyages series. Gallagher followed with a couple of hot lines to keep the viewers warmed up.
Gallagher on a former president: He said, "read my lips"
because he was planning to lie through his ass.
Gallagher on a soon to be former president: If he was caught cheating
on his wife,
he's not the crook we need to run this country.
The main event starts out slow but Dole is showing signs of life. Apparently, his campaign got their hands on those experimental adrenaline injections I've been hearing about. Buchanan opens with his trademark. "My old friend Beltway Bob." Dole counters with a quick cane to the shins. "I only quoted your columns. Aren't they accurate?"
Things begin to liven up when Forbes slaps Alexander with a few financial smears. Alexander lunges for Forbes' throat. Forbes, biting off a piece of Alexander's ear, spits it out and calls him a liberal. The moderator meekly suggests, "time gentlemen, time." The two combatants turn on him in unison. Tossing him over the top rope into the audience, they return to their melee.
Buchanan turning to Dole. "Isn't this our time for response?" Dole yells "YES!" and whacks Forbes in the head with his cane. Buchanan knees Alexander in the crotch and mumbles something about the Fifth Column having his Swiss Bank account transactions. Shouting, "less government, more freedom," Forbes starts to get up. Dole, explaining "I didn't hear the question," whacks him again. "It's my turn!" He tells the now prone body.
South Carolina: Gentlemen start your campaigns.
Forbes, arriving with 60 delegates, sticks to his message of "hope and opportunity" with dedication seldom seen outside terrorist cell meetings. After the laughter over his accent and a few calls of "Let's hang the New York Yankee" die down, Steve launches into his flat tax speech. Murmurs of "revenuers" run through the crowd. Soon it becomes a chant, "Revenuers! He's talkin' revenuers!" Some of audience decide Forbes is a good old boy after all and invite him home to see their still but not enough to keep him from coming in third.
Buchanan begins to sing Dixie (with no noticeable accent). Like a scene from Patton, a large confederate flag rises behind him. The crowd stands and puts hands to hearts. It looks like Pat has this one in the bag until someone in the crowd says, "Hey, Look! Who's the babe?" All eyes turn as one to …
Elizabeth Dole, substituting for the now adrenaline burned out Beltway Bob, brings the audience to its feet with a stirring speech about a future where we can all marry our cousins. After declaring her queen of the prom, fighting broke out as the mob tried to determine who would be king of the prom. In the confusion, Elizabeth slips out the back, taking enough votes to deliver South Carolina to her husband.
Keyes is outside wearing a "speeches for food" sign. A policeman, mistaking him for a trouble making panhandler, handcuffs him and shoves him into the back of the patrol car. Noticing the parade of reporters in tow, the cops realize they have a problem and toss him out at the next intersection. A CNN reporter, leading the pack, shouts, "Police harassment!" Allen disappears under a blanket of microphones and cameras.
Much to the disappointment of Alexander and both his supporters, Clinton and Carville, he's not in this race. His campaign is on life support and even Newt is asking for the plug to be pulled.
Forbes' plan is to abandon the South and ambush Dole in New York and California. If Forbes wants to keep his flat tax plan, he'll have to change it. Either corporations let both employees and shareholders pay they own taxes or the corporations pay the taxes for both. Either way the money is taxed only once and the public has an image of fairness.
Buchanan should skip New York and jump Forbes in California. Pat can't win in CA but he can keep the vote split. Hell, he won't even be able find a real steak there much less enough right-wingers to save his bacon.
Dole's adrenaline injections can only be used once a month without fear of rejecting his brain transplant (but that's another story for another time). So Elizabeth will be doing all the heavy campaigning like speaking complete sentences in public.
Junior Super Tuesday: 263 delegates and 10 states watch as the candidates parade on to the stage for the swimsuit competition.
Forbes' tuxedo is impressive but somewhat surprising. It appears a trickster from one of the other campaigns convinced him the swimsuit competition is formal. The northern judges cut him some slack. The southern judges decide he's a city boy and write him off. Forbes comes in third only because the sponsors already bought three ribbons.
Buchanan, dressed only in a red, white and blue g-string, bares all for everyone. While the southern judges are putting their eye balls back in the sockets, the northern judges turn the ballets upside down, resulting in 6's instead of 9's.
Dole appears wearing a full body swim suit like something out of the roaring twenties. It's white with horizontal black stripes. The judges aren't overwhelmed but agree it is conservative. They hand him the blue ribbon, bow their heads and pray for the Whitewater hearings to resume.
Lugar has been beaten into unconscienceness. His campaign will drop out of the race before he comes to.
Keyes' arrest has given him the most (and probably only) publicity he's seen in this campaign. He isn't a factor but they'll let him give a few speeches.
The word on the street is Alexander is trying to cut a deal. In return, he'll resign before the next primary.
Buchanan will continue to dog Dole's heels with his 20%-30% support but won't be able to do any damage unless Dole's campaign makes a serious error.
Forbes is up against Dole's very powerful political machine in New York. Without a win, he'll have real problems getting any support from the tax loving yuppies in California. If Larry King didn't have a thing for Jane Fonda, he'd move to California just to pay the extra taxes.
Dole has the big "mo" but no "mo' money". His campaign has spent too much money up front and is bumping into the federal spending limits. He'll need others to run commercials for him in California. Rumor has it, Elizabeth is having high level discussions with "Da Mayor" of San Francisco to keep Buchanan off the ticket and out of the convention.
Corrections to last week's column:
Next week's episode: "Forbes takes Manhattan" or "Dole on a roll."
What can I say? Take a URL ( http://www.cse.unsw.edu.au/~s2154962/ ) and call me in the morning.