Words As Lies
So compact, yet so complex
First a quick summary or as Ross Perot would say, "Let's make sure the crazy aunt is locked in the attic and we're all in the same barn."
Iowa:
If Iowa is the ticket to New Hampshire, Dole (26%) is on the train
in first class. Buchanan (23%) is standing behind him asking,
"Are you sure this is your seat?" Alexander (18%) is
in coach looking for an upgrade. Forbes (10%), Gramm (9%), Keyes
(7%), Lugar (4%) and Taylor (1%) are in the smoking car with the
press corps. The reporters are taking turns giving Gramm Dutch
rubs. Dornan (0%) is on the platform asking when the train leaves.
As Keyes distracts the reporters, demanding they interview him. The other candidates in the smoking car gang up on Gramm and toss him off the train.
New Hampshire:
After what can best be described as a Three Stooges
Marathon, Moe Buchanan takes 27% for best eye pokes. Larry Dole
stumbles away with 26% for letting Moe take a saw to his head.
Curly Alexander gets 23% for a fair "nyuk, nyuk, nyuk."
The reporters gave Dornan 0% for his "Hey, guys. Cut that
out," Curly Joe imitation. Forbes at 12% is standing in the
background hoping to become the forth "Curly" in Arizona.
I've always been a sucker for the underdog so it's time to share a little advice. While I'm waiting for a response from the Dornan campaign, I'll try to translate some of the political rhetoric being thrown around like mud these days.
character issue - the White Water scandal.
creative/inventive - incorrect. Commonly used in education. See creative/inventive spelling.
compassionate conservative - a Democrat trying to pass as a Republican.
conservative - moderate.
contribution - tax.
crisis - Similar to the Canadian "eh." Politicians and reporters just add it automatically.
cut - increase, used mostly in budget lies. All government programs increase very year but are always referred to as being cuts. "Tax cuts" really translate into bigger holes in our paychecks.
extremist - conservative.
moderate - liberal.
populist - fascist.
progressive - eat the rich. As in "progressive tax."
racist - anyone who disagrees with liberal dogma.
spin - lie. After a speech about ending big government, the candidate's handlers will put a spin on it by telling reporters, "The candidate continues to believe in progressive government programs."
under funded - failed, unworkable. Government programs don't fail. They are declared to be under funded.
values - "The government should make other people behave the way I think they should behave."
Clever use of these words leads to mind boggling statements like "a crisis in under funded programs can be averted by an increase in contributions." The translation is left as an exercise for the reader.
Looks like Dornan's response has arrived.
>Bob,
> You can't take the high until you're on the road.
> The bastards have mugged you. They've taken your wallet and
plan to
>pound your brains into mush. You're doomed if you don't act
now!
> Here's where the right-wing conspiracy bunch comes in. This
>is a massive untapped resource. They'll vote for you. They'll
commit
>voter fraud for you. They'll hack computers
for you. They'll do things
>I can't explain on an open channel for you.
> It's a simple matter of leaking a rumor that your campaign
manager
>is the reincarnation of the grand dragon of the Ku Klux Klan.
The
>average citizen won't believe it, the media will run it and
the
>conspiracy bunch will eat it up.
> Bob, don't miss the boat on this. You must immediately rope
in the
>conspiracy vote NOW! This mass of untapped support is merely
meandering
>aimlessly waiting for a leader.
> Go for it Bob!
Thank you for your interest in candidate Dornan's campaign. The
candidate has no interest in pursuing this particular strategy
at this
time.
The poor bastard is doomed. Oh well, time to fire off an e-mail to Buchanan.
Stay tuned for next week's episode, "Buchanan skates around Martin Luther King's Birthday" or "Hillary tap dances for the White Water Committee."
By the way , have you seen Rats To Cats?