Letter to the Editor
Steve Allen used to do an angry man bit. He'd read letters to the editor from a newspaper. Not in a normal speaking voice but the way they were written, that "I'm mad as hell and I'm not going to take it anymore" tone.
Well, I've been watching the coverage of the Littleton shootings and I'm mad as hell and I'm not going to take it anymore. I don't know about you but I'm not leaving this story until I have someone's scalp under my fingernails and their blood on my teeth.
So rather than take a sawed off shotgun to the TV, I've been faxing the networks a copy of this "Letter to the Editor" I found posted at some school newspaper's web site.
Dear editor (and I use the term more from custom than any misguided assumption of your role in this world,)
You misbegotten spawn of the netherworld. Who died and left you in charge? For clearly nothing less than a catastrophe of the worst degree would have so decimated the ranks of the staff so as to force management to entrust their once respected newspaper to someone so criminally illiterate. Are the thought police holding your brain in custody until you get a learner's permit?
Could it be my loathing is misplaced? Could your pet monkey have gotten loose and directed this abomination from the keyboard of your word processor? Maybe a gang of idiots broke into your office while you were at lunch and forged your signature? Or space aliens raped your mother and your generic inheritance is not her brother's fault after all?
In the first paragraph alone, I counted thirteen misspelled words, seven grammatical errors, three logical fallacies and my parrot complained the ink came off on his... Well, never mind. As I was driven to near suicidal grieve by your murder of a once elegant language, the rest of the text remains unread (but in the case of my parrot, not unused.)
Had your butchery been committed on a lowly dog rather than our beloved language, you would have found yourself before a judge pleading your sentence (the verdict having been a forgone conclusion.)
May an eternity of Dante's justice be your reward for this life,
As a member in good standing of the VRWC (Vast Right Wing Conspiracy,) I am required to write a monthly editorial -- Female members of our audience probably know more about that schedule than I do. -- So if you don't like politics, think Clinton didn't have sex with Monica Lewinsky, don't sing "99 bottles of beer on the wall" in the shower, still ride New York subways without a gas mask or wonder why they kill Kenny in every episode of South Park, go to the next email (there's an email virus announcement you don't won't to miss.)
[Editor's note: To unsubscribe from this mailing list, reply: "Stop sending me email before I have to kill you."]
I don't want to climb into a septic tank nor do I want take tour of the White House. Pretty much for the same reasons but if I want to talk about this presidency, I guess I'll have to put on my hip boots and step into the middle of it.
This fight has never really been about Clinton's qualifications to be president. He doesn't have any. No one on either side would ever have trusted this bastard with their daughter. It's been about our form of government.
[Editor's note: That number again is 1-800-OFF-ME-NOW]
The Left wants more socialism (Two interns in every pot.) The Right wants less (They don't want their interns smoking any pot even if they don't inhale.) Now the Left is trying to come to grips with just how wrong they were to support a psychopath (Sorry, he is the president. Make that Mr. Psychopath.)
When Clinton said, "five down and five to go," was he referring to?
While Clinton was making the world safe for Red Chinese Communism, he was also selling out the United States to Big Business. Kind of a traitor for all seasons. -- Think of your mother-in-law driving your new car over a cliff. If it helps, imagine Eleanor Clift in the trunk.
Sometimes I have to wonder if the American people have pressed the snooze bar on their clock radio once too often.
[Editor's note: Remember to unsubscribe that's, "I love this shit but I'm on a diet."]
I think the Clinton Presidency can be summed up by his Gays in the military policy, "Don't ask, don't tell" or "we'll kill you if you don't sit down and shut up."
It didn't work for Gays. It didn't work for the military. It's all about sex and it makes most of us want to throw up. -- Of course, that is those of us still left alive and I'm including those of us that sleep in a corner with a loaded .45 in our lap and have locks on our refrigerators.
[Editor's note: The unsubscribe fee is less than $50 and we do take American Express.]
The Democrats steal my money for the poor. The Republicans steal my money for the rich. Since it's my money, I sometimes have trouble understanding the subtle difference between stealing my money and stealing my money. -- Apparently, the Russians have learned the difference and the IMF is willings to fund their graduate studies in this matter with my money.
[Editor's note: You can unsubscribe now just confess to blowing up TWA flight 800.]
I'm still not sure about James Carville. Was he just a mercenary on the wrong side or somebody that wanted to run a concentration camp. -- It's OK. These people have relatives that died during the holocast. They fell out of the guard towers.
The White House explains Bruce Lindsey told Ken Starr nothing. He was playing penis ping pong with the grand jury the whole time.
What really rags my ass is bunch of lieing swines getting on TV and claiming they don't defense his behavior but George Washington used to have sex orgies with slave girls and FDR used ta have aaaaaa ...
[Editor's Note: Igor, the Web Walker's assistant who is the real brains behind this show, hoping to keep the last two readers, drugs the Web Walker's beer, takes over the keyboard and gropes for some jokes.]
A White House spokes-itern alleged rumors of group sex in the Oval Office are greatly exaggerated. "There's never been more than 4 or 5 of us in there at one time." -- And they all had clothes on even if it was only to keep their ankles warm.
The stock market is going down faster than:
In an effort to shore up Clinton's support from the Left, a source close to felony conviction explains, "The cigar was never lit and it had a condom on at all times."
How can Clinton be for a minimum wage increase but still want Monica to pay for her own kneepads.
It's just another classic love story. Fat boy meets fat girl, oral sex at first sight and it ends up with impeachment.
Rumors that Monica Lewinsky was on Alan Greenburg's staff were enough to drop the DOW over 500 points.
Murder is a private affair. When is the last time you heard the victim complain?
So now Clinton is tore between letting Ted Kennedy drive Monica Lewinsky home and having her date O.J. Simpson.
What's the different between going home with Ted Kennedy or O.J. Simpson? A splash and a slash.
If Al Gore's "Global Warming" theory is so important, why are only the Red Chinese financing it?
What's the difference between an Oval Office conference with Bill Clinton and a picnic with Al Gore? Clinton will ask you to bend over before he bores you to death.
* * *
Ken Starr: Mr. President, did you have sexual relations with Monica Lewinsky?
Bill Clinton: No way. No how. You can ask Hillary?
Hillary Clinton: This is a private matter between me, a vast ring wing conspiracy and a box of cigars.
Monica Lewinsky: I didn't have sex with me either!
Janet Reno: These stories of group sex are greatly exaggerated. Most of us didn't even enjoy it.
The Goat: Baaaah!
The whipped cream was not available for comment.
* * *
Yeltsin (to Clinton): You are really too fucked up to be a president.
Clinton: You drunken bastard. How can you say that? You're personally responsible for destroying the Russian economy.
Yeltsin: Tomorrow, I can sober up but you will still be fucking White House interns.
* * *
If Clinton wants Ted to drive his bimbos home, he'll need a fleet of limos and a shit load of bridges.
I don't have anything against Clintons. I just wouldn't want my dog to marry one.
Clinton: "It's a private affair between me, my intern and our cigar."
George Bush sat in the Oval Office, showed us a bag full of cocaine and told us where it came from. With Clinton in the Oval Office, we all know where it went.
Since Clinton only believes in polls, this is the first time in history that the American people can vote for the First Lady.
SwissAir denies rumors the White House had booked Ken Starr on a flight to Geneva but they do have a contract on his kneecaps.
If the Ken Starr report is only about sex, why does everyone want to read it?
* * *
Clinton, Hillary and Monica are returning to the White House on the presidential helicopter, Marine One.
Clinton grabs the only parachute and declares, "I am the president. My life is more important than anyones."
Monica shouts, "No, give me the parachute. I must live to make future presidents happy."
Hillary takes the parachute, shoves Monica out of the helicopter and explains, "Only my health care plan will make people happy. I must live."
As the Clintons struggle, the pilot asked the co-pilot, "What the hell are you laughing about?"
"All I did was turn on the 'Seatbelt' light and now they're back there fighting over the lunch in my backpack."
[Igor's Note: The bastard is coming out of his stupor.]
FDR, Eisenhower, a wheelchair? Excuse me, Igor is telling me it's SwissAir 111 stupid.
OK, so what's funny about SwissAir flight 111 going down with 229 people?
Not a goddamn thing!
Wondering around in a fog and no one cares,
If you want to be on my personal humor mailing list, send email to email@example.com.
You should include something about wanting to subscribe to the list because
it isn't read by any damn robot-responder and if I don't know what you're talking about,
I'll just send a really nasty reply.
And if you're worried about me selling your email address to someone else, you'd better be. I'd sell it to Satan if I thought I could make a buck off it. So if it's not worth a buck, you probably don't have to worry.
Do you believe my lawyer helped me with that? Yeah, he's at the bottom of the ocean too.
Please note: I do try to be civil to my other email addresses.
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