Letter to the Editor

Hello all,

Steve Allen used to do an angry man bit. He'd read letters to the editor from a newspaper. Not in a normal speaking voice but the way they were written, that "I'm mad as hell and I'm not going to take it anymore" tone.

Well, I've been watching the coverage of the Littleton shootings and I'm mad as hell and I'm not going to take it anymore. I don't know about you but I'm not leaving this story until I have someone's scalp under my fingernails and their blood on my teeth.

So rather than take a sawed off shotgun to the TV, I've been faxing the networks a copy of this "Letter to the Editor" I found posted at some school newspaper's web site.

Dear editor (and I use the term more from custom than any misguided assumption of your role in this world,)

You misbegotten spawn of the netherworld. Who died and left you in charge? For clearly nothing less than a catastrophe of the worst degree would have so decimated the ranks of the staff so as to force management to entrust their once respected newspaper to someone so criminally illiterate. Are the thought police holding your brain in custody until you get a learner's permit?

Could it be my loathing is misplaced? Could your pet monkey have gotten loose and directed this abomination from the keyboard of your word processor? Maybe a gang of idiots broke into your office while you were at lunch and forged your signature? Or space aliens raped your mother and your generic inheritance is not her brother's fault after all?

In the first paragraph alone, I counted thirteen misspelled words, seven grammatical errors, three logical fallacies and my parrot complained the ink came off on his... Well, never mind. As I was driven to near suicidal grieve by your murder of a once elegant language, the rest of the text remains unread (but in the case of my parrot, not unused.)

Had your butchery been committed on a lowly dog rather than our beloved language, you would have found yourself before a judge pleading your sentence (the verdict having been a forgone conclusion.)

May an eternity of Dante's justice be your reward for this life,
Eric Harris
Senior, Columbine High School

P.S.
Your opinion was also wrong.

Be seeing you, (assuming I make bail)
...wtb... - http://www.pobox.com/~the.web.walker/humor/