Trench Coat Mafia, 25 - Columbine High School, 2

Hello all,

To maintain my rating as a truly tasteless joke teller, I'm occasionally called upon to report on stories other humorists wouldn't touch with a sawed off shotgun.

--- TERROR in the Rockies --- (OK, so I stole this headline from Fox News but you have to admit it's good.)

Tuesday, two disgruntled students, dissatisfied with conditions in solitary detention and an inedible school cafeteria menu, went on a rampage. Armed with their bare hands, horse meat Salisbury steaks and automatic, semi-automatic, auto-automatic, explosive and neo-explosive weapons, ordered earlier today from E-Death-N-Stuff via an Al Gore Internet connection in the school library, both members of the militant branch of the "Trench Coat Mafia," known as "School's Out Forever" (SOF), attacked fellow students and school jocks.

Early reports are still unclear if they committed suicide or were just trying to clean out a little ear wax with an unauthorized foreign object.

The geography class, that couldn't find Colorado on a map of the United States or their homeroom with a yellow line painted in the hall, counterattacked with spitballs and failed geography tests but were quickly driven back by a hail of bullets, pipe bombs and NATO air strikes. Several hall monitors also unsuccessfully failed to halt the SOF's advance by asking for to see their hall passes.

Reports that KLA target spotters, stoned on heroin, called for the attack on a column of student refugees is still unconfirmed.

Invading reporters demanded of surviving student, Low Achiever, "What's it all about? What's the meaning of life? Can you explain imaginary numbers?" Low bargaining with the assembled mob, "I don't know. Maybe they were gay. I hear trench coats are popular in San Francisco. Look, I don't know nothing from imaginary numbers but for a spot on Nightline, I'll tell you about fractions."

Mr. Garrison, South Park school counselor, could only whine, "We told them to use condoms. OK? Drugs are bad. Cigarettes are bad. Killings everybody is bad. OK? This isn't what we meant by 'Getting Gay with Kids' OK?"

Vi Lint Hippy, oldest living member of SDS (Students for a Democratic Society) interviewed in her hideout in Tijuana, Mexico, the rundown shack with the red roof and chain-link fence three blocks from the border crossing on your right as you face the topless bar, said, "We didn't have this kind violence in my day. We only blew up administration buildings. It was different then, we were bombing for peace not shooting for smaller class sizes."

Hillary "It Takes a Well Armed Village" Clinton, while not running for senator in New York, suggested, "This would have never have happened if schools had uniforms, metal detectors, security guards, strip searches, lock downs and regular visits from attorneys."

Rudolph Giuliani, mayor of New York city, jeered, "She's talking about a prison and if she was from New York city, she'd know that." [Comments about being a dumb bleached blonde with a lying, warmongering, womanizing, Serbian bombing husband with a drug problem that would never be tolerated by an decent apartment co-op were deleted by the editor.]

Recently fired CNN propagandist, Peter Arnnett, point out, "The number of school killing may have suddenly increased in 1993 but they were down in 1995." -- This demented reporter has to wonder if kids are running out of kids to kill.

Janet "We wacked 'em at Waco" Reno was passed out on her desk and unavailable for comment but one of her young female prostitutes did babble, "They're saying it's because it's Hitler's birthday, you know. But it's like they're all wrong. He was like lying about his age. Like really, he was born in 1889 don't you know? I mean if I was that old I'd lie about my age too but I'm not."

World famous occupant of the Oval Office, Monica Lewinsky, demanded "This ethicnic cleansing must stop. Next time I have phone sex with my boyfriend [Bill Clinton, president of the United States], I'm asking of an aircraft carrier for Colorado to stop this kind of stuff."

Post Master General, William J. Henderson, pondered, "How can we ever hope to fill the ranks of the postal service if they all die so young?"

As always, if you have any complaints, problems, comments, don't have a dog to kick or a red-headed stepchild to beat or just a paternity suit to file, write to James.Carville@WhiteHouse.gov,
....wtb... - http://www.pobox.com/~the.web.walker/humor/

P.S.
They only serve Integri coffee at the White House because they don't have any integrity.

P.P.S.
Charles Fannin wanted to be mentioned as a staff writer for the "I'm wearing a black trench coat with a Rembrandt painting and the grenade pin already pulled to work tomorrow" joke.

P.P.P.S.
The rest of my fellow employees have asked me to report they won't be in tomorrow. (Please note: Sales and Markets will not be getting a copy of this email.)

P.P.P.P.S.
My wife thinks this email sucks but she hasn't read it yet.