Rating the news.

Hello all,

I know most of you are waiting for McGwire's next home run but me, I'm waiting with cigar breath for Ken Starr's report.

Thanks to the Serial Apologist and Al "The Tree Fucker" Gore wiring every school from the inner city (without computers) to African villages (without electricity) to the Internet all the children of the world can learn alternative uses for cigars, whip cream, cooking oil and household pets from the Ken Starr report.

Getting this kind of porn from the Internet may be good enough for the children but it's not good enough for me.

If we can't see this report in XXX theaters where it belongs then the next best thing is TV. Turn down the lights, put on your raincoat, grab a bag of microwave popcorn and park you ass in front of the boob-tube. We haven't seen a show like this since they released "Deepthroat" on videotape.

OK, I know what your saying, "I don't get the Playboy channel. Where else can I get this kind of news?" No problem, this is the kind of question the Web Walker lives for.

So if you don't watch TV. You don't know the difference between Jerry Springer and Peter Jennings. -- Don't worry, I don't know the difference either. -- This list is for you.

MSNBC - I'm sure it's full of fine unbiased reporting (just like NBC) but who gets the channel?

PBS - OK, now that we've had our little laugh, let's get serious.

ABC, CBS, NBC - These people are sitting on so many stories they can't go to the restroom without flushing a few. -- Talk about pulling stories out of your ass. -- They do have a large audience but most advertisers would prefer their commercials were viewed by people that could at least afford the cost of a cable connection.

CNN - After that sorry Clintonist apology for the Tail Wind story (Not Tailhook, that was a wet T-shirt contest where a bunch of sailors lost their jobs because they forgot to invite both the Clintons,) they could run Clinton's State of the Union speech 24 hours a day without losing a single member of their remaining viewers.

CNBC - The Geraldo network. When they don't have Clinton to defend anymore, they will lose both their viewers and Chris Matthews of Hardball will be looking for work on FOX.

FNC - When you're up to your ass in Carvilles, it's hard to remember you're here to report the facts but this is the only network even trying to.

Warning: Cigars may cause cervical cancer,
....wtb... - http://www.pobox.com/~the.web.walker/humor/

P.S.
Links to the Starr Report. It should be posted Friday.

http://www.house.gov/icreport
http://thomas.loc.gov./icreport

P.S.
Coming up next, a summary of the Ken Starr report.