NightLie

In the News:

Postal worker shoots three officers in Connecticut. -- I know postal workers don't like the phrase, "Going Postal" and want us to stop making "killer postal worker" jokes but when they stop killing us, we'll stop making fun of them. Running out of ammo is not the same as calling a cease fire.

Clinton says "I'm sorry about it." -- Close but no cigar. What "it" are we talking about here? Strip searching the Queen of England in the Oval Office? Passing out La Monica cigars to heads of state? Marrying Hillary? Leaving Arkansas? Being born?

Iraqi weapons inspector resigns -- Scott Ritter explains, "What kind of career is 'playing hide the salami with Saddam Hussein.' I find weapons of mass destruction and all I get is banned from the White House Easter Egg Hunt. Not that I'll miss it. I heard they found a couple of cigars last year."

Senate ally castigates Clinton. -- I think the word they are reaching for is "castrates" and didn't Hillary do that years ago. When Senator Lieberman suggests sharing a cigar with a White House intern in the Oval Office is wrong and that's front page news, you really have to wonder what this bunch thinks is correct behavior in the Oval Office. Don't write Clinton off yet. It's not over until the fat sheep sings or did she already?

Crash of SwissAir 111 -- What is everyone whining about? Don't all airlines crash planes? This is only about Swiss army knives. Why do we need an investigation? SwissAir said they were sorry and we should put this behind us. A crash is a private affair between the airline and its plane.

* * *

Uh oh, here comes Igor with my medication. I think he's going to take my newspaper and keyboard.

* * *

Hillary is out walking the dog and a brick falls out of the sky. It kills the dog dead on the spot.

At home, Hillary explains the death of his favorite dog to her husband. "Bill, your stupid dog got its self killed. How any creature could get killed by a brick falling from a plane is beyond me but your dog found a way to do it. If there was a way to be in the wrong place at the wrong time, leave it to your dog to find it."

Bill puts his head in his hands and moans, "I told the pilot to kill the bitch."

* * *

How many White House interns can dance on the head of a penis?
Only Clinton and Starr know for sure.

* * *

A guy walks into a bar with a stick of dynamite.

The bartender explains, "You can't bring a bomb in here. What were you thinking?"

The guy replies, "I thought this was an Irish Pub. Guess I'd better move the car bomb too?"

* * *

A reader answers what should Clinton do with Monica.

I say let O.J. date her, and Teddy drive. Tell Hinkley that Bill's been porking Jody Foster. Help clean up the gene pool.

Q: What does Clinton call 100,000 interns on their knees?
A: A good start.

Clinton has taken sex education out of the schools and hands of the parents and off the street corners and put it on the six o'clock news where it belongs. Is this government interference or what?

Tonight Dan Rather explains "The Birds and the Bees." Film at eleven.

Groucho Marx: I like my cigar, but I take it out of my mouth occasionally.

I think that pretty much sums up what history will say about the Clinton administration.

Ideas that didn't make it in the market place: Ted Kennedy valet parking.
The O.J. escort service.
Hinkley and company, marriage counselors.

What are the soccer moms going to say when they old man brings home a White House intern and explains everybody does it?

* * *

I've been listening to a pirate radio station out of Ohio tonight. It sounds like the National Anthem Jimmy Hendrix did after he died. The vocalist sounds like what you get when you feed a hamster two grams of coke and tie it to the front wheel of a cross town bus.

It's time to get while the getting is good,
....wtb... - http://www.pobox.com/~the.web.walker/humor/

P.S.
Visualize Impeachment.