Arkie go home!

Hello all,

Did you hear Ken Starr is going to indict Bill Clinton?
A first degree case of being from Arkansas.

It's funnier if you read the news today.

Today, Hillary was quoted in a redneck pro-Clinton newspaper -- Any newspaper that hasn't been burnt to the ground in Arkansas has to be pro-Clinton. -- as saying, "I think a lot of this is prejudice against our state. They wouldn't do this if we were from some other state."

I didn't think she could ever top, "A vast right wing conspiracy is out to get me" but the first dim-wit has out done herself again. I didn't think inbreeding was catchin' 'til this peroxide blonde from Chicago adopted Clinton to make their marriage legal in Arkansas.

If this woman (not "that woman ... Ms. Lewinsky") isn't on medication, she should be. Normal people think the Hell's Angels are out to get them. Well, at least I do when they aren't forcing me take those damn pills.

I have to check the perimeter. I can hear them sneaking up on me out there. Before I go, I promised Eleanor Roosevelt I'd let Hillary have a change to tell her side of the story.

Shed a Tear for Arkansas
By Hillary Clinton

Last week we had a pleasant, cozy state dinner with the Ambassador of France. It was an elegant seven course meal, a bucket of KFC and a six-pack, preceded with hors d'oeuvre, deviled ham on crackers, and finally, the piece-of-resistance, an Elvis Jell-O mold. There was even pork and beans for the vegetarian gourmets and barbecued Spam for the PETA folk that don't believe in frying live chickens.

Bill noticed the Ambassador hadn't touched a thing and offered to share some of his plate. -- We have Bill on a diet. So, he always gets a special diet dish.

The Ambassador got all snooty like a French waiter, stood up, declared war and stormed out of the White House. Bill, always such a naive, innocent man, asked, "How was I to know he didn't like hog jowls and dandelions greens?"

My first instinct was "the Vast Right Wing Conspiracy" then it came to me. "Oh, Bill. It's not jowls or greens. It's being from Arkansas."

I personally don't have anything against Arkies. When I was dumping those Secret Service agents for leaking that story about me throwing a lamp at Bill, I told the staff, "I believe that you all from Arkansas are too naive and too nice. You are not equipped to take the tough action necessary."

OK, so even I've made fun of their webbed feet, family trees without forks and Yosemite Sam mud flaps but it wasn't my idea to put the presidential limo on blocks on the South Lawn or the bathroom appliances as flower boxes next to it. Astro-Turf in the Oval Office? Bill's idea.

In New York City, they lie, cheat and steal but no one seems to care. Right here, in DC, they'll shoot you dead on the street without a getting so much as a ticket but if you're from Arkansas they want to hold you accountable for everything you do.

Nancy Reagan talked to an astrologer. Did anyone care? I talk to a few dead people and I still haven't heard the end of it.

Nixon had his people lie to Congress. Did anyone think that was important? We use the FBI and IRS to attack a few political enemies and they treat us like common criminals.

Jimmy Carter came from Georgia. Do you see anybody making fun of him? If Bill wasn't from Arkansas, the American people would worship us like Gods.

Bush lied about raising your taxes. Did you impeach him? So what's the big deal about a little sex? Who cares where Bill gets it just as long as it isn't in my bed.

Why isn't Ken Starr investigating some Mafia boss like Dom Perignon? So what if we did a little dynamite fishing in the cement pool out back. Doesn't everybody do it?

In tough times like this (and that time I had to testify before the grand jury,) I ask myself "What would Curly do?" Your right, Curly. Cut a deal, rat out Bubba and return to Arkansas to run a fireworks stand.

I don't remember people having such a problem with Arkies before we took office but coming from Chicago, all I can say is "Thank god, I wasn't born an Arkie."

Disclaimer: For those of you from Arkansas, this is a parody. -- That's a funny story that isn't true. Like your mother saying her husband is your father. -- Hillary Clinton did not write it. If you're reading this from the White House, have you packed you bags yet?

Watch out for black helicopters and if you run into Hillary, don't make eye contact.

Good night,
....wtb... - http://www.pobox.com/~the.web.walker/humor/

P.S.
Q: What do you get when you cross Monica Lewinsky with Ted Kaczynski?
A: A Dynamite Blowjob