This Just In

Hello all,

This whole semen stained dress thing has left my mind a mess. I can just see this guys in the FBI lab with sticks poking at the dress. Asking each other, "Do you want to touch that thing?" "Not me, I know where it's been."

So today, in violation of my personal policy to only send stuff I wrote, I'm including "This Just In" by Norman Liebmann. -- What the hell, if the president can lie under oath and nobody cares, I think I can get away with breaking my own rules. As Al Gore would say, "The is no legal controlling authority to throw my butt in jail."

I do have some new stuff appearing at NOT!News. So you might want to check that out.

Until next time, check out "This Just In." I hope you enjoy it as much as I did.

Time for my medication,
....wtb... - http://www.pobox.com/~the.web.walker/humor/

This Just In
by Norman Liebmann

THIS JUST IN: Monica Lewinsky decided to cooperate after Ken Starr told her they found Clinton's fingerprints on her ears.

THIS JUST IN: In an unremarkable coincidence, a new book of memoirs by Monica Lewinsky has the same title as that of a German U-boat Captain. It's called "Coming Up For Air."

THIS JUST IN: It's been revealed, the Russians are in possession of some previously unseen pictures of Bill Clinton and Monica Lewinsky. They claim it is an important "breakthrough" in the field of satellite pornography.

THIS JUST IN: A prominent politician says the criticism leveled at Arkansas has been unfair. He did not explain why lepers won't picnic there.

THIS JUST IN: Hollywood is planning a movie about Hillary Clinton. Working title: "Robo-bitch." The two top choices to play the title role are Nurse Ratchet and a wolverine.

THIS JUST IN: There is new archeological evidence the Egyptian pyramids were not tombs but an attempt to build a housing project that would take people on welfare more than six months to run down.

THIS JUST IN: It is rumored, Bill Clinton sired an offspring somewhere down in Texas. They haven't determined its sex. They're still working on the species.

THIS JUST IN: Rumor has it, among the gifts given The President by Monica Lewinsky was a pair of slacks with an electronic zipper that can be opened by voice-activation. (Down, Boy!)

THIS JUST IN: The Department of Health and Welfare has ordered, henceforth all birth certificates will carry a legal stipulation allowing the government to seize the newborn child at the hospital and have it raised by a village to be designated by Hillary Clinton.

THIS JUST IN: In the tabloids - Janet Reno's name is being linked romantically with a barstool.

THIS JUST IN: The D.C. Police have added a new code number to their alerts, Code 86. - Criminal Administration-in-Progress.

THIS JUST IN: Because of the number of felons from Bubba's administration who have been convicted, the California Department of Corrections is changing the name of their maximum security prison to San Clinton.

THIS JUST IN: To make male homosexuals feel more at home in government service, the Clinton Administration is changing the name of the Peace Corps to the Purse Corps.

THIS JUST IN: A Clinton executive order makes it legal for people with accounts in sperm banks to make deposits by mail - if they're tall enough.

THIS JUST IN: Independent Counsel Kenneth Starr has refused to allow Bill Clinton to have a violinist accompany him as he testifies for the Grand Jury.

THIS JUST IN: To see if she is able to speak in the courtroom, Monica's Lewinsky will have her tonsils checked by a urologist.

THIS JUST IN: Clinton's legal team is mulling as their defense strategy - fellatio isn't illegal, if it isn't "a good one."

THIS JUST IN: Clinton has requested compromising pictures of himself and Monica in the hands of the Independent Counsel should be kept confidential. Starr agreed to put the pictures in a safe place, as soon as they come back from Photomat.

THIS JUST IN: The Russians are putting up satellites of mirrors, each more than five or ten times brighter than the moon, which will end nighttime, and shorten honeymoons.

THIS JUST IN: A prominent sociologist believes there is a causal relationship between legalized prostitution and the fact that countries that allow it are the only ones that don't keep asking America for money.

THIS JUST IN: Bill Clinton has enlisted the services of a male interior decorator who claims he can show soldiers how to walk across minefields without their feet touching the ground.

THIS JUST IN: Monica Lewinsky's dry cleaner told the Office of the Independent Counsel he is prepared to testify, he cannot tell for sure what that stain is on Monica's dress, but he has definitely ruled out tapioca.

THIS JUST IN: President Bill Clinton plans to celebrate George Washington's birthday by double-crossing the Delaware.

THIS JUST IN: Al Gore says he has new data that proves summer causes warm weather.

THIS JUST IN: Having been granted a delay in her trial for embezzlement because of illness, Susan McDougal has been fighting off an attack of good health.

THIS JUST IN: To recoup some of the financial losses on their "bomb" movie, the producers plan to hollow out Godzilla and make him into a shopping mall.

THIS JUST IN: The Clinton White House has announced it is adamantly against germ warfare everywhere except in Arkansas, where germs are allowed to vote.

THIS JUST IN: An out-of-state mosquito just threw up in an Arkansas blood bank. (The mosquito is the Arkansas state bird.)

THIS JUST IN: Insiders say, if Hillary had not fired all the competent people in the White House Travel Office, Ron Brown's ill-fated flight to Bosnia might not have been booked aboard Arkansas' Tobacco Road Airlines.

THIS JUST IN: Arkansas cows will not drink their own milk.

THIS JUST IN: A San Francisco sociologist determined the length of relationships between homosexual men is often determined by how long their zippers stay snagged together.

THIS JUST IN: An animated fairy tale about the adventures of a White House intern is scheduled for television called "Slut-erella."

THIS JUST IN: It's been determined the President and Monica Lewinsky were never alone together, and his semen accidentally fell on her dress from a wild party that was passing overhead aboard Air Force One.