Shoot Out at the Not-So-OK Corral

Hello all,

You may have heard that Friday afternoon, Capitol Hill turned into Boot Hill.

It is alleged one, Russell Eugene Weston Jr., alleged by parents to be a gold digging Democrat whose "mind doesn't work real good," took extreme measures to meet with his congressional representatives. As the alleged lunatic, in and out of alleged surgery since the alleged shooting, was unavailable for any alleged comments, it is unclear at this time if he was hoping to meet with alleged representatives from Montana, home of his gold mine, or Illinois, home of his alleged parents.

As one officer was distracted helping get a wheelchair for an elderly visitor, Russell rushed though a metal detector at the East entrance of the Capital building with .38 Special (previous reported as a pellet gun). During his extremely high profile pilgrimage to Majority Whip, Tom DeLay's office (previously reported as not getting into the building,) the suspect killed two Washington, DC policemen (previously reported as two teenagers,) wounded one tourist (previously reported as a one-armed man running from Dr. Richard Kimble) and started yet another news-cycle. It is unclear if his terminal destination was a coincidence or the gunman thought a representative from Texas could understand his beef with the government for planting landmines on his Montana gold mine.

The Secret Service confirmed Weston was on the their "kook" list for claiming, "Bill has hired people to follow and intimidate me. They're threatening to kill me." An agent, requesting anomonity, explained, "People that witness the crimes of this administartion always get this kind of treatment. We figured in a week, he'd just be another suicide in a National Park somewhere."

In the fall of 1996, Weston spent 53 days in Montana's state mental hospital for threatening a neighbor who was using a satellite TV dish to spy on him.

The wounded tourist was identified as Angela Dickerson, 24. It is believed she has no connection to the old TV series "Police Story." Rumors of her having sex in the Oval Office have not been confirmed.

Janet Reno has taken charge of the joint FBI and BATF investigation. Plans for a Sunday morning raid of the armed compound, DC General Hospital, where the suspect has hold up are underway. A spokeman for Operation Fool's Gold said, "we have to move ahead quickly before Weston can molest more of the children he's recruited into his cult."

White House sources said the early morning raid would not be necessary as the suspect is expected to have a heart attack later this evening.

Ken Starr had no comment on the gunman being subpoenaed to testify before the Monica Lewinsky grand jury.

Russell Weston Sr., 66, kicked his son, Russell Jr., 41, out of the family's home Thursday after an argument over Jr. killing more than a dozen cats with a .20-gauge single-barrel shotgun.

When Russell Eugene Weston Jr. showed up at the White House Friday, guards explained the president was at Camp David. Hoping to keep his trip to Washington, DC from being a complete lose, guards suggested going over to the Capitol building and shooting a few congressmen while he was in town.

The ACLU has volunteered to represent Weston explaining he is a victim of gold fever and inadequate federal disability (SSI) benefits.

And that's the news for tonight,
....wtb... - http://www.pobox.com/~the.web.walker/humor/