Late Breaking News

Hello,

Tonight is public service night.

For those of you that think following the news is right up there with watching termites eat the foundation of your house, watching youself go bald in the mirror, removing hair from your arm pits with hot wax, waiting for public transportation, mowing the lawn with a razor blade and a ruler, this "Raeders Digest" version of todays events is for you.

Announcer: We interrupt our regular programming for this late breaking news with NOT!News reporter, Lay Zee.

Lay Zee: Did Monica Lewinsky season Oval Office semen with cocaine or has the Internet learned illiterate? What? Oh. Has the Internet learned alliteration? Can you people make these cue cards a little larger? [pause] No! I can't wear my glasses on the air. Or ... Is ... It ... Just ... More ... Hate ... Radio ... Knock it off! I think we can put more than one word on a cue card. To explain tonight's late breaking story, we've invited James Carville, host of his own NOT!News show "It's Wah, Larry, It's Wah," to join us.

Carville: Thanks for having me Lay Zee. Larry can't be here to interview me tonight. So I've brought my sock puppet.

[In the background a whining voice can be heard shouting "I'm here" then the sound of the producer's clipboard slapping a thick skull followed by a dull thud hitting the studio floor.]

LZ: That's really too bad.

[Sound of another whack and another dull thud in the background.]

LZ: Yes, just too bad. So James, what is it? Monica the talking mule or more Internet illiterate? Err, Alliteration.

Carville: It's Wah, Larry. It's Wah. Ken Starr is out of control.

LZ: James? Uh, my name's not Larry.

Carville: Shut up, LZ! I'm being interviewed by my sock puppet.

Sock Puppet: OK, Serpent head. What's the story here? This is only a news break. We have to move it along. We don't have time for your long drawn out spinola.

Carville: He's out of control, Larry. My sock puppet's out of control.

Sock Puppet: Shut up, you useless sack of protoplasm. I'm in charge here. I'll explain. We don't have time for your prepared speeches. Ken Starr created the Internet. Now, he's using it to spread lies. "Monica took drugs into the Oval Office." It ain't true. Just ain't true.

[In the background a whining voice can be heard shouting "I'm here" then the sound of the producer's clipboard slapping a thick skull followed by a dull thud hitting the studio floor.]

LZ: So the rumor that Monica took drugs in the Oval Office is completely false?

Sock Puppet: Wrong! Turnip brain. Do you have bananas in your ears? I said "into" not "in." Useless humans. "Larry King Live" will be delayed one hour so that it may be brought to you live from the an Atlanta, Georgia emergency room. Hey you! Yeah you with the cue cards. You think I'm blind or what? Let's try a few more words on those cue cards.

Announcer: We return you to our regular programming in progress, "As the Stomach Turns."

Don't take any wooden light blubs,
....wtb... - http://www.pobox.com/~the.web.walker/humor/