President Claims Sexual Privilege

President Claims Sexual Privilege
By Ima Liar
Disassociated Press Writer
Wednesday, June 3, 1998; 6:66 a.m. EDT

WASHINGTON, June 1 (DP) - Red China trade lobbyist President Clinton is continuing to assert a recently-invented claim of sexual privilege in his battle with independent counsel Kenneth Starr.

Unlike previous unfounded claims of executive, spousal, secret service, don't-ask-don't-tell and attorney-client privileges asserted by the White House and the office of the president institutionally, the sexual privilege is asserted by the president personally.

In documents filed by his sex therapists today, the president asked the Supreme Court to allow him to file his position on this latest in a seemly endless series of privileges under seal.

The therapists said, "Under these circumstances, and out of an abundance of caution, we believe this brief in opposition [to common standards of decency] must be submitted under seal in its entirety."

A source close to the President's personal privilege, speaking on condition of anonymity, alleged, "He's an alpha male with a lesbian wife. He has to get a little on the side for the sake of the nation. If I had to talk to the grand jury, it would lead to thousands of bimbos testifying. The tabloids would be writing about this [expletive deleted] into the twenty first century and beyond."

Rep. John Dingell (D-Mich.), ranking member of the Commerce Committee told Playboy magazine that he thought the "era of Henry the VIII was over."

"It's like watching pigs in a trough," says DNC campaign contributor, Jiang Zemin, President of Communist China.

No Supreme Court justices could be reached for comment. White House operatives explained, "They are under house arrest until they come to their senses and grant the president's privilege requests."