"What's the frequency Kenneth?"

Hello all,

If you haven't heard about the school shootings in Oregon, tell me your secret. I've had no rest from the interminable ranting of the bambi-loving, gun-hating, microphone-toting, intern-banging, over-rated, under-thinking, over-paid, audience-pandering, room-temperature-IQ'd, first-character-to-die-in-a-horror-movie, this-weeks-secret-code-is-3259, oh-my-god-how-could-this-happen-whining, are-we-on-the-air-asking, my-makeup's-not-right-complaining Jerry Springer wanna-bees for what seems like an endless summer and it's only spring.

The media keep going on about school shootings like fishermen telling us how big the one that got away was. Reporters sticking microphones into peoples faces; asking dead students, "So tell us, how does it feel to be dead?" Give me a break. What are they going to say, "It was three inches if it was a yard?"

From the way they tell it, you'd think the three R's have been replaced by an M-16 and two banana clips taped end to end. Is Little Johnny's homework assignment to climb a tree and take out the neighbor's cat? Has "follow the leader" been replaced by, "Oh my God! Don't make me the point man."

So, why don't we hear about those newsroom shootings? If I bought a gun and turned into homicidal maniac, the first thing I'd want to do is separate a bunch of numb skulls from their really bad toupees. -- I've seen better patches on clay animals in drug stores (just add water and they grow green fur.)

All dressed up, camouflage fatigues, AK-47 locked and loaded and no place to go. You turn on the tube and instead of "Baywatch," there's some asshole in pancake makeup, wearing a piece of brown sod on his head and telling you that you're a gun-nut. I don't know about you but I have a good idea where the homicidal maniacs that don't work for the government will be test firing that first few hundred rounds. -- As for the government homicidal maniacs, you really should think twice the next time you open the front door.

OK, the reason the media doesn't report media shooting. -- That's shootings at. Shooting by is a different story. -- Is copycats. Yes, with three or four shooting every year in every news studio around the world not only would they not have time to report anything else, they fear the stories would generate even more media killings.

If reporting any other story causes a copycat repeat of a tragedy, that's not a problem. It just another story to cover. If it becomes too common, it's not news anymore and becomes an editorial about the general decline of civilization.

The reason all newscasters look like some farmer, trying to recover from a bad acid trip, has been sowing dandelion seeds on the top of their heads is because the only way to tell these babbling air heads apart is their top crops. Due to a little understood principle of television, everyone on television looks the same except for their skull rugs. -- OK, if you remember Spock from Star Trek, ears work too.

The average life expectancy of a news anchor is two years, co-anchor three, weather women five (They're all packing pieces. DO NOT mess with these people.) For a sportscaster, it's not too bad if they make it though that first basketball game. To overcome these problems and add some contiguity to the evening news, the TV stations use look-a-likes. Peter Jennings, Ted Koppel, swap mop tops, who'll know the difference.

That's why HDTV is causing more panic among the networks than a bunch of gang rappers finding out classic music is coming back. With High Definition television, even our colorblind pets will be able to see Rosy and Roxanne are the same person (same body, different wigs.) -- I haven't been able to confirm that Barney is playing both characters.

Remember when Dan Rather walked off "60 Minutes" leaving 10 minutes of dead air time behind because a football game ran over into "his timeslot?" Wrong! Just another newsroom shooting.

We all remember Dan Rather (a cheap peruke wearing replacement, see above) getting asked, "What's the frequency Kenneth?" and we all know George Bush (cheap Reagan acting replacement) sent CIA thugs to ask the question. What is less known is the thugs did more than clean out Dan's ears with a lead pipe (cheap Q-tip replacement.)

Yes, the killers really pounded Rather into a 1,000 quarter-pound hamburger patties, covered the alleged patties with secret sauce and hosed the whole mess into the nearest gutter. The next day, Walter Cronkite shows up in the ceremonial headdress as Dan Rather and no one is the wiser.

The truth is out there but it takes a Japan TV set to see it. So until Kenny tells us the frequency, we will have to continue to kill him in very episode of "Southpark."

Until next time, may the dogs of war protect you from the cats of peace,
...wtb... - http://www.byrum.org/furious/fg980507.html

P.S.
Speaking of Southpark, I received a WAV file the Southpark fans might like. It says, "Oh, my God! You've got mail. You bastards." and can be found at:
http://www.pobox.com/~the.web.walker/humor/mail.wav