The Mafia and Red China to Form Political Parties

Hello all,

With Pakistan and India playing "I'll show you mine if you'll show me yours" with their nuclear weapons, Red China giving more money to the Clinton/Gore campaign than a 81-year-old Texas oil millionaire gives his 18-year-old fifth wife, the Democrats doing more to obstruct justice than the California Highway Department does to get cars off the road, it must be time for some future news.

The Mafia and Red China to Form Political Parties
By Ima Liar
Disassociated Press Writer
Friday, May 14, 1999; 10:35 p.m. EDT

WASHINGTON(DP) -- Within in hours of one another, in separate press conferences, both the Mafia and Red China announced their intentions to create new political parties in the United States.

Earlier today, the Mafia introduced "The Family," their new political party, to the media. Even before the Mafia spokesman, known only as "Scarface," appeared on stage, press packages were passed out.

"As you can see, the pictures in your press kits are of a very personal and private nature. If your coverage of our new party, The Family, continues to be positive there will be no need for these pictures to be shared outside our little gathering here. On the other hand, should you feel a need to ask embarrassing questions, well, we can hardly be expected to be held responsible for your health."

Two very neatly attired thugs then presented to the assembled media a very carefully bound and gagged Sam Donaldson. The nude pictures of Sam and Cokie stapled to Donaldson's forehead were sited as an example of what The Family party would keep out of the hands of children. Afterwards all the nice gentlemen left in a large black limousine together.

Family party sources requesting anonymity at gun point explained, "if a criminal enterprise like the Democratic party can hold office, why not us? You got a problem with that?" This reporter certainly didn't!

Following the Mafia press conference, the remaining and somewhat shaken media attended Red China's unveiling of the People's party.

Insisting he be quoted for clarity, our beloved leader explained, "Be pleased to understand, America be very good to us. Clinton and Gore be very good to us. Our millions in gifts to the Democrats and their leaders have brought us much joy."

After a brief aside between beloved leader and beloved leader's translator, beloved leader's translator continued, "Even in the best of relationships, as is the relationship we share with presidents Bill and Hillary Clinton, a time comes for change and that time has come now. Our beloved leader has decided now is the time to lift the burden of leadership from their weary shoulders."

"The citizens of this once great nation will now have to look farther east for their leadership. A nation of sheep that trembled before James Carville will now shallow it's tongues in fear after we park a few tanks on a few chests."

"As you leave, please note that new work schedules have been posted."

I got this one in my email and since it's in the same vein, I thought I'd include it.

MICROSOFT TESTS NUCLEAR DEVICE AT SECRET HANFORD FACILITY

REDMOND (BNN)--World leaders reacted with stunned silence as Microsoft Corp. (MSFT) conducted an underground nuclear test at a secret facility in eastern Washington state. The device, exploded at 9:22 am PDT (1622 GMT/12:22 pm EDT) today, was timed to coincide with talks between Microsoft and the US Department of Justice over possible antitrust action.

"Microsoft is going to defend its right to market its products by any and all necessary means," said Microsoft CEO Bill Gates. "Not that I'm anti-government" he continued, "but there would be few tears shed in the computer industry if Washington were engulfed in a bath of nuclear fire."

Scientists pegged the explosion at around 100 kilotons. "I nearly dropped my latte when I saw the seismometer" explained University of Washington geophysicist Dr. Whoops Blammover, "At first I thought it was Mt. Rainier, and I was thinking, damn, there goes the mountain bike vacation."

In Washington, President Clinton announced the US Government would boycott all Microsoft products indefinitely. Minutes later, the President reversed his decision. "We've tried sanctions since lunchtime, and they don't work," said the President. Instead, the administration will initiate a policy of "constructive engagement" with Microsoft.

Microsoft's Chief Technology Officer Nathan Myrhvold said the test justified Microsoft's recent acquisition of the Hanford Nuclear Reservation from the US Government. Not only did Microsoft acquire "kilograms of weapons grade plutonium" in the deal, said Myrhvold, "but we've finally found a place to dump those millions of unsold copies of Microsoft Bob." Myrhvold warned users not to replace Microsoft NT products with rival operating systems. "I can neither confirm nor deny the existence of a radioisotope thermoelectric generator inside of every Pentium II microprocessor," said Myrhvold, "but anyone who installs an OS written by a bunch of long-hairs on the Internet is going to get what they deserve."

The existence of an RTG in each Pentium II microprocessor would explain why the microprocessors, made by the Intel Corporation, run so hot. The Intel chips "put out more heat than they draw in electrical power" said Prof. E. E. Thymes of MIT. "This should finally dispell those stories about cold fusion."

Rumors suggest a second weapons development project is underway in California, headed by Microsoft rival Sun Microsystems. "They're doing all of the development work in Java," said one source close to the project. The development of a delivery system is said to be holding up progress. "Write once, bomb anywhere is still a dream at the moment."

Meanwhile, in Cupertino, California, Apple interim-CEO Steve Jobs was rumored to be in discussion with Oracle CEO Larry Ellison about deploying Apple's Newton technology against Microsoft. "Newton was the biggest bomb the Valley has developed in years," said one hardware engineer. "I'd hate to be around when they drop that product a second time."

posted on 14 May 1998
Copyright 1998 by the Bogus News Network.

Goodnight and remember, follow the news. Half the time it's funnier than I am and the other half it's got bigger lies.

...wtb... - http://www.pobox.com/~the.web.walker