Email: Computer Cars

This is the I joke I was sent that started the email exchange that got me dropped from that mailing list. The names have been removed to protect the ... Well, judge for yourself.

To: The Web Walker, et al
Subject: Fwd: FW: Computer Cars

IF MICROSOFT BUILT CARS

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 mi/gal."

Recently General Motors addressed this comment by releasing the statement "Yes, but would you want your car to crash twice a day?"

1. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.

2. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.

3. Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to stop and fail and you would have to re-install the engine. For some strange reason, you would accept this too.

4. You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT". But, then you would have to buy more seats.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast, twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.

6. The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades to their cars, which would make their cars run much slower.

7. The oil, gas and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light.

8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.

9. The airbag system would say "are you sure?" before going off.

10. If you were involved in a crash, you would have no idea what happened.

To: The Web Walker, et al
Subject: Re: Fwd: FW: Computer Cars

Gee, that's an old joke. :) In fairness, though, Microsoft isn't much worse than the typical software company out there - their quality problems are just noticed more because Microsoft is so huge. Also, Microsoft Research has a couple of projects underway to look at quality problems, one of which is the "Intentional Programming" project. Those who are interested can read more about it on www.research.microsoft.com

To: et al
From: The Web Walker
Subject: Re: Fwd: FW: Computer Cars

Hello all,

This reminds me of an old Microsoft joke.

If James Carville worked for Bill Gates, their top ten excuses for Windows 3 1/10, 95, NT and HA (half-assed) would be:

10) Monica Lewinsky goes down more often than windows.
9) Drag a hundred dollar bill through a trail park and see what kind of software you get.
8) Bill Gates is the best CEO this country ever had. The Republicans are just trying to drag him down.
7) Crash this. Crash that. Microsoft is at war with the Department of Justice. Why can't we talk about the real issues.
6) All the "general protection faults" are coming from Ken Starr's office.
5) There's nothing wrong with our software. It's all part of a "Vast Right Wing Conspiracy."
4) It's the economy of scale, stupid!
3) The Repulican's are writing worse software.
2) They're all lairs. There ain't nobody's system crashing.
And James Carville's number one excuse for Microsoft's god-awful software...
1) Everybody does it!

New York Times: If Apple's so smart why aren't they rich?
Washington Post: Microsoft - You can buy better but you can't pay more.
The Drudge Report: Third world software at first world prices.

Sorry if you already heard it,
...wtb... - http://www.pobox.com/~the.web.walker

P.S.
Bill Gates' excuse for MS-DOS: It's not our fault. We didn't really write it.

To: et al
From: The Web Walker
Subject: Re: Fwd: FW: Computer Cars

Hello all,

I know we don't find politics any more interesting than chess but both can be interesting in defeat.

In chess (like politics), you can truly rub your opponent's nose in it by reversing the chess board after they resign.

Yes, there is nothing in life like taking your opponent's losing position and defeating him yet again with it. -- Yes, it is the smell of victory in the morning and it smells like burning ego or maybe that mountain of used tires they always show on the evening news.

So with that thought in your mind and that smell in your nostrils, I give you:

Top Ten Reasons Kenneth Starr is Out to Get Bill Gates.

10) He's leaking the release dates for the next Windows system.
9) He doesn't know how to use a real web browser, like IE 4.0.
8) He defended Apple in the "look and feel" case.
7) These are the same people that went after IBM.
6) He's the only thing Monica Lewinsky ever said, "No," to.
5) He doesn't understand the browser is part of the operating system.
4) Does the First Amendment mean anything if you can be forced to tell the truth?
3) Is it really fair to force Bill's mother to testify that she does dress him?
2) I want it on the record that Bill Gates paid for his own presidential kneepads.
And the number one reason Kenneth Starr is out to get Bill Gates,
1) His web pages are "best viewed with Netscape."

See, every side has two arguments,
...wtb... - http://www.pobox.com/~the.web.walker

P.S.
What is that quiet I hear on the Eastern front?
The sound of one hand collapsing.

To: The Web Walker, et al
Subject: Re: Fwd: FW: Computer Cars

> 3) Is it really fair to force Bill's mother to testify that she does dress him?

Bill Gates' mother passed away some years ago.

To: et al
From: The Web Walker
Subject: Re: Fwd: FW: Computer Cars Hello all,

The top ten reasons you have to pity Bill Gates.

10) He's got more money than you. If you don't pity him, he'll hire someone to break your kneecaps.
9) He has to live in a house run by his own software.
8) It doesn't matter how much money he has, once a nerd always a nerd.
7) All his pets are virtual.
6) He really believes "BOB" was a great computer interface.
5) He's the richest man in the country and still can't get a White House intern.
4) He has to hire Third World programmers because no one in this country can tell him, "Good idea boss!" with a straight face.
3) He's the only man in America that gets less respect than Rodney Dangerfield.
2) He has millions of customers, thousands of employees, one wife and no friends.

And the number one reason to pity Bill Gates is...
1) His mother is dead and he has to dress himself.