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NOT!News Editorial: March on Washington
The dress that launched a million protesters
In the most shameless display of partisanship this editorial staff has ever witnessed
since we drove Nixon out of office, a million (it was really only three or four but our
lawyers insist we say million so we don't get sued for lying) angry extremist
conservatives converged on the Dress
Motorcade as it made it's way to the FBI laboratory in Washington, D.C. They marched on
the mall holding signs reading, "What did she blow, and when did she blow it?"
"If she didn't swallow, her testimony is hollow" "I'm bearing Clinton's
love child" and screaming epithets such as, "If it's his stain, he's down the
drain!"
Far be it for us to editorialize in an editorial but these yahoos even brought their
screaming brats to this circus. They scuffed my Armani shoes. They tied up my piss-ant
reporters in traffic. I even had to type this editorial myself. -- Of course they finally
arrived and rewrote it for me. -- Where the hell were the cops? Down at the donut
shop singing "If he came, he's got to go!" with the protesters? OK, so they
brought in Rush Limbaugh. He did his broadcast live from the mall and they all went home
quitely. That's not the point. They were all Republicans.
We should have brought in the swat team. They should have been dealt with. Just like Janet
Reno dealt with those kids in Waco, Texas.
We at NOT! have launched a counter attack and will be staging our own protest. To prove
that this so called semen stained dress is of absolutely no consequence whatsoever,
all of our female (and some of the male) employees, will wear similarly stained dresses.
They are a dime a dozen around here, particularly after Clinton makes a speech to the
National Press Club. It's a noble gesture of solidarity with Bill Clinton. As
we see it, it's one small stain for our dresses, one giant stain for our president!
In closing we would like to state that there is
no truth to the reports by other networks, that our female employees were required
by Kenneth Starr to stand in a police line up wearing stained dresses. At this time the
G-men are checking out the dress for semen. We are confident that they will find no semen
on the dress. Our sources close to the Oval Office tell us there is a permanent notice on
the door that reads, "Remove Dress Before Entering."
© The Web Walker
ENEMIES OF THE PEOPLE
Guilty of crimes against liberalism
People that NOT! News feels (with excellent input from James Carville) have hurt, are
hurting or will hurt our man in the White House. These people are guilty of crimes against
the state and are NOT!News official enemies of the people.
Active File
People's Enemy # 1 Ken Starr - Our most dangerous enemy.
Do not pass up any chance to lie about this man. Please note the phrase, "Ken Starr
is out of control," is trade marked by James Carville and does require royalty
payments.
People's Enemy # 2. Linda Tripp - Ken Starr witness -
willing to tell what she knows. We have to discredit this one. She has a bad habit .... she
tells the truth. She has dirt on Monica, Willey and Foster. If you are a prosecutor,
try her and fry her.
People's Enemy #3. Secret Service Agents - Ken Starr has
subpoenaed. If they testify, roast them, toast them, chew them up and spit them out.
People's Enemy # 4. Monica Lewinsky - intern
bimbo. If this girl cuts a deal with Ken Starr, it will be the last deal she cuts. If you
know what I mean and I think you do.
People's s Enemy # 5. Kathleen Willey - groped in Oval
Office and spilled her guts on 60 minutes. Picture that, "spilled guts." She
must
not repeat her story under oath.
People's s Enemy # 6. Webb Hubbell, knows where the bodies are buried.
The gloves are on. Repeat, the gloves are on.
Inactive File
James McDougal - Whitewater connection.
William Ginsburg - useful dupe. Now nothing more than a loose end.
Vince Foster - Whitewater, Travelgate, the Hillary connection.
contributed by The Web Walker
Sky Cam
The Dress Report
Ladies and Gentlemen this is Bob Bellow. We interrupt our
normal programming to cut to Trist Spillings in the NOT!News helicopter
in the skies over our nation's capitol. One of our editors, Ron Kelly, is in touch
with Tryst at this moment.
Ron Kelly: Are you there Tryst?
Tryst: Yes Ron. I'm high overhead in the NotNews Chopper overlooking the "Dress
Motorcade" as it makes it's way towards The FBI forensics laboratory here in
Washington D.C. After investigators from Starr's office retrieved "The Dress"
from a hermetically sealed jar on Funk and Wagnell's porch in the Beverly Hills area.
It was flown by private jet to Washington under tight security conditions. Sources tell us (actually just one, J. Carville) that the exorbitant and expensive costs associated with "The Dress" phase of the Starr investigation now brings the grand total of tax-payer dollars spent by the independent prosecutor to just slightly less than President Clinton's trip to China, where the President may have been coaching them on what to say regarding the illegal transfer of missile technology, if and when, Ken Starr issues a subpoena for the entire Communist Government.
Meanwhile at The White
House, Al Gore was possibly quoted as saying: "Just because they're communists
who despise our system of government, freedoms, and standard of living, and added 4 more
Nuclear Inter-Continental Ballistic Missiles targeted at The United States",
"they still care for the environment and
our Mother Earth".
Also at The Lincoln Room Gift Shop, the latest fashion items being sold are replicas of The Dress, complete with status symbol markings, and a free Presidential Executive Order declaring "technically, it wasn't adultery". That's it for now! Reporting live from the skies over the White House, I'm Trist Spillings. Back to you Ron.
Bob: Ron, you spoke to
Tryst prior to his report. Was he able to see the stain from his position in the
helicoptor?
Ron: Bob, I asked him that question, but there was some static on the line. I am able to
tell you that I have learned from souces who volunteered to get close to the dress, that a
mob of angry protestors greeted the Dress Motorcade. The NOT! editoral staff will have
some comments about this aspect of the story on the editorial page.
Bob: Thanks Ron. Now back to our regular programming.
contributed by Ron Kelly
- The World News