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CLINTON POLLS HOLD STEADY IN WAKE OF CHINESE NUCLEAR ATTACK
The Disassociated Press
8/25/98 Cookie Books

Washington, DC (APUPI) In the first comprehensive measure of public opinion since the nuclear obliteration of Los Angeles by the People’s Liberation Army, a newly released NOT! News/National Organization of Women poll revealed relatively steady job approval ratings for President Bill Clinton.

The President’s overall job approval rating was 62%, a slight drop from last month’s level of 64%. Pollster Stan Greenberg cautioned that the drop might reflect simple geographical sampling differences. “For instance,” said Greenberg, “Los Angeles is a traditional stronghold of Clinton support. We were not able to poll many LA residents in this latest study because the city was basically, well, wiped out.” “If you factor in the millions of dead Clinton supporters,” says Greenberg, “the approval rating is more like 66%.”

Clinton fared better among women, especially in crucial suburban swing districts. These so-called soccer moms, threw their support behind the president by a margin of 69% - 28%, with 3% undecided. The approval rate rose to a stunning 91% among insecure, wealthy, low-IQ women who drive Lexus SUVs, read People, Cosmopolitan and Mirabella, and sit on their fat, drunk asses all day watching weepy made-for-TV movies on the “Lifetime” cable TV network. The results buoyed the spirits of Clinton political advisors, who feared some female electoral fallout after Clinton admitted last week to keeping a harem of teenage sex slaves chained in the White House basement.

The poll also found strong Clinton support among, personal injury lawyers and the Psychic Friends Network. Together, these demographic segments account for 56% of U.S. population, and 94% of Democratic party registration.

Poll respondents cited the president’s handling of the economy as a principle factor in their support. Debbie Mayer, 37, of Albany, NY noted, “I won $3 in Pick Five last Tuesday. I credit Bill Clinton.” So does Dorothy Evans, 62, of Spearfish, SD. “I save money with the many valuable coupons I get in my Sunday newspaper. These would be eliminated if Bill Clinton, God forbid, leaves office.”

In the lone weak spot for the president, poll respondents expressed disappointment regarding Clinton’s handling of the Chinese nuclear attacks, by a 51% - 39% margin. Many in Washington felt that the president made a strategic political mistake when last week he admitted personally selling the nuclear weapons to the PLA during a state visit last year, in order to raise money for his legal defense fund. The disapproval rose to 56% among those who had a close relative or loved one vaporized in the attack. The president’s political team was able to somewhat deflect his culpability, however. In the poll, 76% of respondents agreed with the statement, “All politicians sell nuclear weapons to hostile nations to raise money for their legal defense fund.”

Surprisingly, Clinton received high marks (71% approval) from the invading Chinese army, which is expected to storm eastward across the Rocky Mountains by Wednesday. “While the PLA is not a traditional voting bloc, their support will be crucial in keeping Democrats in the White House,” says Greenberg, “after the revolution of the proletariat.”Storming across the Great Basin of Nevada, PLA Artillery Officer Ghuang Xiapang expresses a typical opinion. “Comrade Mao has declared the principles by which our glorious revolution will be implemented. Comrade Clinton has endorsed our struggle, and has provide us the rope with which we will hang decadent capitalist society.” Added Ghuang, “Just get off the poor guy’s back.”

NOT!News Person of the Week

Chinese President Jiang Zemin

We at NOT!News have to admit President Clinton really nominated President Jiang Zemin as our "Person of the Week" and for bringing the extraordinary talents of this great world statesman to our attention we must thank him.

Clinton was described President Zemin as a leader of "imagination," a statesman of "extraordinary intellect" and "very high energy." An international statesman who could imagine "a future that is different from the present". "He has a good imagination ... vision ... extraordinary intellect," gushed our President.

President Zemin is also following the "morally right" course for China and the world. A course that is "profoundly important at this moment in our history when there is so much change going on, he has a good imagination -- he has vision."

In Hong Kong, he called Jiang "a man of extraordinary intellect," a man of "vision," and a man demonstrating a "quality that is profoundly important at this moment in our history ... imagination."

"And what I would like to see is the present government, headed by this president and this premier, who are clearly committed to reform, ride the wave of change and take China fully into the 21st Century and basically dismantle the resistance to it. I believe they are." "China has the right leadership at the right time."

At this point we would normally quote from President Zemin's official government biography but it appears Clinton has already done that. So instead, allow us to heap our personal praise on this great man.

A man with the force of character to rewrite history making Tibet a part of China past, present and future. A man that brought his vision of one party democracy to China and will someday bring it to the rest of the world.

A man with the imagination to take a third world country of rice farmers and turn them into a superpower nation of prison slave labors. A superpower with the might to put the US in it's place and enforce President Zemin's vision of a one world democracy.

We at NOT!News recognize the significant progress in nonproliferation President Zemin has made. He hasn't sold any nuclear weapons to Alabama or any other southern state. In the future, this great visionary will not only have to deal with the "One China" problem of Taiwan but also California. As Clinton realized in his recent speech in San Francisco, "We end the trip in a place where I hope China' future begins."

President Jiang Zemin hopes he and San Francisco Mayor Willie Brown can come to a peaceful solution but refuses to rule out the use of force if it is required.

"I believe him," Clinton said. "I don't think anyone who was on this trip could fail to appreciate the remarkable transformation that is underway in China, as well as the distance to be traveled."

And we at NOT! News believe President Jiang Zemin is the man with the nuclear missiles that can travel that distance.

This story contributed by The Web Walker. http://www.pobox.com/~the.web.walker

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Breaking News From Red China
Dave Hwang

The  People's Republic of China has issued an official statement regarding the Clinton - Lewinsky scandal and his Aug. 17 mea-culpa:

"It's unfortuate that President Clinton has been subjected to such humiliation in the exposing of his immoral behavior by a sex-crazed media. However, it is clear that his ability to lead and govern the nation has been destroyed. He has been rendered politically impotent, and can no longer further any meaningful agenda. We would like our money back." - General Chow Fun, in an open letter to the DNC.

Not!News Needs Reporters


Are you tired of the network TV news and your local newspaper not running the stories you hear on talk radio and the Internet?

Do the Clintonistas leave you screaming at your TV set?

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Are space aliens being held at Area 51 until their visas clear?

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Theresa Blevins
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