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The Mafia and Red China to Form Political Parties
By Ima Liar
Disassociated Press Writer
Friday, May 14, 1999; 10:35 p.m. EDT

WASHINGTON(DP) -- Within in hours of one another, in separate press conferences, both the Mafia and Red China announced their intentions to create new political parties in the United States.

Earlier today, the Mafia introduced "The Family," their new political party, to the media. Even before the Mafia spokesman, known only as "Scarface," appeared on stage, press packages were passed out.

"As you can see, the pictures in your press kits are of a very personal and private nature. If your coverage of our new party, The Family, continues to be positive there will be no need for these pictures to be shared outside our little gathering here. On the other hand, should you feel a need to ask embarrassing questions, well, we can hardly be expected to be held responsible for your health."

Two very neatly attired thugs then presented to the assembled media a very carefully bound and gagged Sam Donaldson. The nude pictures of Sam and Cokie stapled to Donaldson's forehead were sited as an example of what The Family Party would keep out of the hands of children. Afterwards all the nice gentlemen left in a large black limousine together.

Family Party sources requesting anonymity at gun point explained, "If a criminal enterprise like the Democratic party can hold office, why not us? You got a problem with that?" This reporter certainly didn't! Following the Mafia press conference, the remaining and somewhat shaken media attended Red China's unveiling of the People's Party.

Insisting he be quoted for clarity, our new beloved leader explained, "Be pleased to understand, America be very good to us. Clinton and Gore be very good to us. Our millions in gifts to the Democrats and their leaders have brought us much joy."

After a brief aside between beloved leader and beloved leader's translator, beloved leader's translator continued, "Even in the best of relationships, as is the relationship we share with presidents Bill and Hillary Clinton,  time comes for change, and that time has come now. Our beloved leader has decided now is the time to lift the burden of leadership from their weary shoulders."

"The citizens of this once great nation will now have to look farther east for their leadership. A nation of sheep that trembled before James Carville will now swallow it' tongue in fear after we park a few tanks on a few chests." "As you leave, please note that new work schedules have been posted."

© Copyright 1998 The Disassociated Press

This story contributed by The Web Walker. http://www.pobox.com/~the.web.walker

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Letters to the Editor

Dear Editor:

After a hard day of having my kneecaps broken, I like to unwind with my copy of NOT!News. NOT! makes me laugh. It makes me cry. It makes me want to job down to the Potomac River and sing, "We Shall Overcome."
Thank you Not! You make my day.

Very Sincerely,
Kenneth Star
Office of the Independent Council
Washington, D.C.

Hey Editor:

Is dat Ken Staa's letta up there? Why is Ken Starr's letta above my letta?  I hate you Ken Staa! Do you hea me? Git down here! I'll hit you so hard it'll kill yo granbabies! It's like I said Larry, Ken Staa is outta control! Today, it's dat pervert Barney tha Sock Puppet, tamarra, it could be Sesame Street. Do you wanna see Big Bird in tha big slamma, tha Cookie Monster eatin Salisbury steak in tha iron bar motel, Bert up tha riva widdout Ernie?

"It's a Wah, Larry! It's a Wah!" weeknights 9PM ET/PT on
NOT! News.
James Carville
White House Basement

Dear Editor:

This letter concerns the plight of Barney the Sock Puppet. The fact that Starr has arrested Barney is an outrage to every freedom loving American. I have spoken to Mr. Sock Puppet on the phone and he tells me he is really in hot water. During some 40 hours of questioning  Starr and his prosecutors put Mr.Sock Puppet through the wringer and hung him out to dry. Since Barney is 100% wool, this is cruel and unusual punishment. As Barney's council, I am setting up a Barney the Sock Puppet defense fund. Anyone wishing to, may contribute money, and fabric sizing, to William Ginsburg, Attorney to the Stars, General Delivery, Beverly Hills, Ca.

Yours in outrage,
William Ginsburg

Dear Editor:
Pee Wee Herman, now Barney The Sock Puppet! Is even Lambchop safe?

Surely Deranged
Somewhere in Left Field
White House Basement

Dear Editor,

I want a show too. You gave Carville a show and half the people in the United States can't even understand what he's saying and the half that does understand him, think he's making fun of them.

I know as much dirt as Dick Morris and they let him write a column.  How this for a title? "George " No, that's been taken. "Tiptoeing Through the Tulips with George?" Nah, too Gay.  "The George Report?" That's it. I'll setup an Internet site and everything. I can even scoop Drudge. I know all the stories before anybody even writes them.

Ah come on how 'bout it?

George Stepinawfulstuff
Political Commentator