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Monday's Programs

6:00 AM - Early Worm. Guest host, Cokie Head, interviews welfare families disturbed by rush hour traffic. "How can we sleep with these fools going to work every morning?" Regular host, Ima Junkie, has moved to an afternoon time slot. Thanks to the "free needle" program, he can sleep in.

6:30 AM - News Break: Why harmless Red Chinese nuclear
missiles pointed at the U.S. are completely different than
dangerous Russian missiles pointed at the U.S.

7:00 AM - Good Morning Red China. Today's program focuses on exercises you can do in a 4' x 4' cell.

7:30 AM - News Break: Prison labor production up thanks to new exercise program.

8:00 AM - Host to Host. Interviews with hosts from Early Worm and Good Morning Red China.

9:00 AM - Dialing for Yen. Host, Yu Can Win, calls viewers for big bucks. Today's movie, Barbarella. Starring Hanoi Jane.

11:00 AM - Hard Boiled. Tough interviews with extremist conservatives. Today's question, "Why doesn't  the Republican congress want the president to have sex?"

11:30 AM - Over Easy. Informative conversations with Capitol Hill's elite.

12:00 PM -  Anatomically Correct. Special guest, Dick Morris, demonstrates
how it isn't possible for the president to have been in any
of the sexual positions reported in the latest White House scandal.

1:00 PM - Drug Issues. Host, Ima Junkie (airing in his new time slot) explains how you can use those "free needle" programs to free up those early morning hours wasted
searching for a needle.

2:00 PM - 4:00 PM Any Opinion But Yours. A well screened call in talk show.

5:00 PM - NOT!News.

6:00 PM - White House corrections on the news.

10:00 PM - Best guess at tomorrows propaganda.

11:00 PM - Late night talk show. Tonight's topic: Has the Media gone too far in trying to determine if it has gone too far?

12:00 AM - Movie: Red China liberates Vietnam.

2:00 AM - Movie: Red China liberates Korea.

4:00 AM - Movie: Red China liberates San Francisco.

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Shed a Tear for Arkansas
By Hillary Clinton
8/11/98

Last week we hosted an elegant, delicious, seven course State dinner at the White House for the Ambassador of France. The main course was a bucket of KFC Original, and tuna casserole garnished with shoe string potatoes. This was preceeded by an assortment of Cheetos, Vienna sausages and crackers topped with Cheese Wiz. Pork and beans, pea salad and tater tots were available for the vegetarian gourmets. We made sure to serve pressure cooked Carp to folks that don't believe in frying live chickens. But the piece-of-resistance, was an Elvis Jell-O mold.

My husband noticed the Ambassador hadn't touched a thing and offered to share some of his plate. We have Bill on a diet. He always gets a special diet dish. The Ambassador got all snooty like a French waiter, stood up, declared war and stormed out of the White House. Bill, always such a naive, innocent man, asked, "How was I to know he didn't like hog jowls, dandelion greens and mushroom soup casserole? My first instinct was "the Vast Right Wing Conspiracy" then it came to me. "Oh, Bill. It's not the jowls or greens or Cheese Doodles. It's because we're from Arkansas.

I personally don't have anything against Arkies. When I was dumping those Secret Service agents for leaking that story about me throwing a lamp at Bill, I told the staff, "I believe those of you from Arkansas are too naive and too nice. You are not equipped to take the tough action necessary." OK, so even I've made fun of their webbed feet, family trees without forks and Yosemite Sam mud flaps, but it wasn't my idea to put the presidential limo on blocks in the South Lawn or the bathroom appliances as flower boxes next to it. All that and the Astro-Turf in the Oval Office and a tire swing on the White House lawn was Bill's idea.

In New York City, they lie, cheat and steal but no one seems to care. Right here, in DC, you can shoot someone dead on the street, without a getting a ticket as long as you are a DC native. But if you're from Arkansas they want to hold you accountable for everything you do. Nancy Reagan talked to an astrologer. Did anyone care? I talk to a few dead people and I still haven't heard the end of it. Nixon had his people lie to Congress. Did anyone think that was important? We use the FBI and IRS to attack a few political enemies and some innocent guys in the Travel Office and they treat us like common criminals. And so what if subpoenaed papers suddenly turn up in the book room of the White House after being missing for two years? It's a mess in there what with all the empty bags of Pork Rinds and Mountain Dew bottles.

Jimmy Carter came from Georgia. Do you see anybody making fun of him? If Bill wasn't from Arkansas, the American people would worship us like gods. Why isn't Ken Starr investigating some Mafia boss like Dom Perignon? So what if we did a little dynamite fishing and frog giggin' the cement pool out back. Doesn't everybody do it?

In tough times like this (and that time I had to testify before the grand jury) when I ask myself, "What would Curly do?" You're right, Curly. Cut a deal, rat out Bubba and return to Arkansas to run a fireworks stand.

© The Web Walker 

President Claims Sexual Privilege
By Ima Liar
Disassociated Press Writer
Wednesday, June 3, 1998; 6:66 a.m. EDT

WASHINGTON, June 1 (DP) - Red China trade lobbyist President Clinton is continuing to assert a recently-invented claim of sexual privilege in his battle with independent counsel Kenneth Starr.

Unlike previous unfounded claims of executive, spousal, secret service, don't-ask-don't-tell and attorney-client privileges asserted by the White House and the office of the president institutionally, the sexual privilege is asserted by the president personally.

In documents filed by his sex therapists today, the president asked the Supreme Court to allow him to file his position on this latest in a seemingly endless series of privileges under seal.

The therapists said, "Under these circumstances, and out of an abundance of caution, we believe this brief in opposition [to common standards of decency] must be submitted under seal in its entirety."

A source close to the President's personal privilege, speaking on condition of anonymity, alleged, "He's an alpha male with a lesbian wife. He has to get a little on the side for the sake of the nation. If I had to talk to the grand jury, it would lead to thousands of bimbos
testifying. The tabloids would be writing about this [expletive deleted] into the twenty first century and beyond."

Rep. John Dingell (D-Mich.), ranking member of the Commerce Committee told Playboy magazine that he thought the "era of Henry the VIII was over."

"It's like watching pigs in a trough," says DNC campaign contributor, Jiang Zemin, President of Communist China. No Supreme Court justices could be reached for comment. White House operatives explained, "They are under house arrest until they come to their senses and grant the president's privilege requests."

© Copyright 1998 The Disassociated Press

This story contributed by The Web Walker. http://www.pobox.com/~the.web.walker


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page 2.

In New York City,

"Right here, in DC, you can shoot someone dead on the street, without a getting a ticket as long as you are a DC native. But if you're from Arkansas they want to hold you accountable for everything you do."

"He's an alpha
male with a lesbian wife. He has to get a little on the side for the sake of the nation. If I had to talk to the grand jury, it would lead to thousands of bimbos testifying. The tabloids would be writing about this [expletive deleted] into the twenty first century and
beyond."