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President to Go Without Dinner
WASHINGTON (CPU)--In a close vote derided as partisan by many Democrats, the House
Judiciary
Committee has recommended to the full House a punishment for President Clinton's recent
problems in
the Lewinsky scandal. If approved by the House and agreed to by the Senate, President
Clinton would be
sent to bed without dinner.
"We needed something stronger than just censure," said Rep. Henry Hyde (R-IL),
chairman of the House
Judiciary Committee, "but we couldn't get enough Democrat support for impeachment. A
proposal for
time-out was floated, but the Democrats protested that this would cut into the time the
President could better spend doing the peoples' business."
Word on Capitol Hill is that the vote in the House is expected to be close, perhaps only
one or two votes
making the difference. When asked about the impending vote, Vice President Al Gore noted,
"It's a shame how the country has fallen under a Republican Congress. We've gone from
being a superpower to a situation where the leader of our country is faced with the very
real possibility of being hampered by the scourge of Hunger. Not even the leaders of
Third-World countries face this threat."
After news of the Judiciary Committee's vote was released, the White House set up a
Presidential Hunger
Defense Fund. According to rumors, the fund has already received sufficient contributions
for a Big Mac combo-meal, but not enough to Super-Size it. President Clinton says that if
the punishment is instituted, he would view it as a learning experience. "It will let
me feel the pain of the poor that this Republican Congress is trying to starve and toss
out in the cold."
In a press conference David Kendall, the President's attorney, was asked if Clinton
planned to abide by
the punishment if it was handed down. "It depends upon what the definition of the
word 'dinner' is," he responded. "He might just have supper, instead. He'll
definitely have dessert, because any common man could tell you that dessert's not
dinner."
Subpoena This!
By Knot Player
Disassociated Press Writer
Monday, July 27, 1998; 11:00 p.m. EST
WASHINGTON (DP) -- Undercover of the news of a tragic Capitol Hill shooting Friday, White
House sources leaked the president has been subpoenaed.
After explaining the President had received a subpoena over a week ago to appear before a grand jury investigating the Monica Lewinsky scandal, the president's personal attorney David Kendall went on the record to denounce Ken Starr as the source of the subpoena leaks.
Kendall also announced the White House would cooperate with the subpoena as long as it didn't conflict with the Administration's long standing policy to stonewall all investigations.
Speaking on NOT!News' program "Spitting in
the Public Eye," Clinton adviser Rahm Emanuel said he didn't say, "Ken Starr
hasn't given us a subpoena. I'd know if we got a subpoena. It'd be right here on my desk
next to my coffee mug waiting for the right time to be announced." He
insisted it was a simple misunderstanding. All he'd said was "No comment."
During a press conference the same day, White House spokesman, Mike Mushmouth, speaking on condition of not being understood, told the White House press corps, "The grand jury will get nothing less than what we want to give them when we want to give it."
James Carville, speaking as "a source close to the investigation," discussed negotiations between White House lawyers and the Ken Starr investigation. "We're willing to give the grand jury the information we think it needs but only if that out-of-control Ken Starr is willing to meet us halfway. He can't have everything he wants. He's just going to have to learn to live with half a kneecap."
Apparently, Bill Clinton has offered the following options in response to the subpoena:
a) The president's attorney, David Kendall, will
write a list of questions and President Clinton will turn over the answers to Whitewater
prosecutor Ken Starr.
b) Clinton appears on video tape while Kendall answers Starr's questions.
c) The grand jury will be bused to the Pink Room where Kendall will question Starr.
"The President wants to testify but it's not our fault if Ken Starr won't be
reasonable. We have stonewalled this investigation for six years and we can stall it for
six more. If the American people are tired of this soap opera, they have to stop Starr.
We've done all we can and now it's
in the hands of liberal talk show hosts," pleaded Mike Mushmouth.
Speaking on condition of not being called spineless in this report a Republican said,
"I read the Constitution last night (talk about dry boring stuff) and I don't see how
ignoring a subpoena is an impeachable offence. For that matter, this administration as
done nothing impeachable at all. Now about those FBI files. There's a perfectly innocent
explaination for being in a motel room with a goat and a 50 gallon drum of whip
cream."
George Stepinawfulstuff, speaking on condition of anonymity, said, "Monica may be
singing to the prosecution now but we'll her swallowing her words before this day's over.
She may not have a cat. She may not have children but she's has something and when we find
out what it is ..."
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EMPLOYMENT/PERSONALS
High profile attorney seeks malpractice case. Real injury preferred but not required. Send
medical records to FAX: 1-800-KNEEPADS or Mail: Ginsburg, Attorney to the Stars, General
Delivery Beverly Hills.
Smucko, all is forgiven. Dump Booba and come home. Ken Starr returned your favorite dress.
Signed: That Woman
Wanted Criminal Lawyer. Ability to lie under oath a must. Experience with presidential
privileges a plus. Currency exchange available. Call White House operator and ask for the
Big Creep.
Ex-White House Aid seeks Sugar Mama. Recently, lost court judgement. You got the money. I
got the time. Locks of hair, $10/inch. Contact Georgie at ABC.
Are you a Y2K problem solver? Don't know? Just call our1-800-DIE-2000 number and we'll
send you our simple Y2K self-test examination. If you think '00 means 2000 and not 1900,
you could be qualified to keep our planes flying in the next century. Operators standing
by. That number again is 1-800-DIE-2000.
Retractions
This retraction concerns the story we ran about Minnie Bumpass in last
month's Person of the Week segment. You might recall that Minnie is the co-President of
PETA. (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals). Minnie, a Texas resident, was
applauded for her selfless work in taking in starving and abandoned bugdies. As we
reported last week, Minnie feeds the hapless birds until they strong enough to be released
back into rain forest from which this newly listed endangered species first originated. It
was misreported that because of her excellent avian feeding program, Minnie has, "the
largest parateets" in the state of Texas. Minnie's phone has not stopped ringing.
What we meant to say was....Oh well, you know what we meant to say. Sorry Minnie.
President's GJ Testimony Intercepted - Decrypted
Disassociated Press
by IowaHawk©
Using special Loral decryption technology purchased from a Chinese arms dealer, Vanity
Post-Gazette
hackers briefly intercepted the transmission of the secret Grand Jury testimony of
President Clinton. We
were able to descramble the first hour of testimony, the transcript of which appears
below.
BEGIN TRANSMISSION
BAILIFF: Raise your right hand, and repeat...
WJC: Hold on a little sec, Your Honor. May I use my own Bible? It's a family heirloom.
Momma gave it to me when all them poor African-American churches got burnt down in
Arkansas when I was a boy.
NHJ: Well, I don't see any harm...
OIC: If it please the court, may we briefly inspect the witness' Bible?
NHJ: Go right ahead.
OIC: Your honor, upon inspection, it appears that the witness' Bible is a 1973 J.C.
Whitney Auto Parts
catalog, with a crudely fashioned black leather cover.
WJC: Oops, my mistake. NHJ (to DK) : I am warning your client, counsel. This court will
not tolerate any futher foolishness.
DK: Your honor, I resent the implication that my client would willfully, wontonly,
deliberately, callously, without regard to prevailing customs of taste and propriety,
unscrupriously, in the manner of a cad and/or bounder, attempt to beguile, dissemble,....
NHJ: Counsel, we have only four hours. What is your point?
DK: ....confuse, misguide, misadvert,...
NHJ: Counsel, put down that Roget's Thesaurus before I have you cited.
DK: Yes, your honor.
NHJ: Bailiff, continue to swear in the witness.
WJC: How about this Bible? It was given to me by Mother Teresa.
NHJ: Let me see it. (pause) Give it to me. (pause) Now!. (pause) Mr. Clinton, this is a
copy of "Excel 95 For Dummies." Are you intending to try the 'fake Bible trick'
again today ?
WJC: Well, uh, I mean, I guess not. I mean, no your honor.
NHJ: Good then. Bailiff, swear the witness.
BAILIFF: Raise your hand. Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but
the truth so help you God?
HRC: Hi, Honey !
WJC: Hillary! Great to see you, sweetheart! (loud kissing sounds).
NHJ: What is the meaning of this?
HRC: Well, Judge, here I was, thinking, there are guests in the White House, and without
refreshments! And so I say to myself, "Hillary, what kind of hostess ARE you?"
So, I decided to whip up a batch of my famous chocolate chip cookies for y'all, as we say
down home in Arkansas, which incidentally borders your home state of Louisiana!
OIC: Judge, the cookies on this plate labeled "For Ken Starr" have a distinct
odor of cyanide.
NHJ: Bailiff, dispose of the cookies. Mrs. Clinton, please approach my table.
HRC(shrieks): Yowwwww! Owie Owie!
NHJ: Now get your fat white ass out of my chambers. Bailiff, continue swearing the
witness.
BAILIFF: Raise your hand. Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but
the truth so help you God?
WJC: (inaudible)
NHJ: What was that?
WJC: mmmhmm.
NHJ: Come again?
WJC: mmmghhgggnnn.
NHJ: Answer the question, you little peckerwood! Yes or No?!
WJC: (long pause) Yes ma'am.
NHJ (to Starr): Counsel, you may question the witness.
OIC: Let the record show that the witness has been sworn. For the record, would you please
state your name?
WJC: My name Jose Jimenez.
OIC: Your Honor, I....
WJC: Just kidding! Jeez, can't y'all take a joke? My name is William Jefferson Blythe
Clinton. That's spelled capital W-I-L-L-I-A-M capital J-E...
OIC: Your Honor, we are down to 3 hours and 15 minutes.
DK: Aha! Aha!
HRC: "Aha" what, Mr. Kendall?
DK: um, ah, I mean, that is.... I OBJECT, Your Honor! Point of Parliamentary Privelege!
OIC: Mr. Kendall, are you about to assert another one of your privelege claims?
DK: Your honor, my client looks forward to this! He dearly wants to answer each and every
question, inquiry, inquest, interrogatory, interrogation, query.......
NHJ: Okay, Kendall, Clinton, get your pathetic asses over here.
DK: Your honor, this is highly...
NHJ: Shut your f___ mouth, counsel. The witness will drop his drawers.
WJC: Whuh?
NHJ: You heard me, NOW.
(Audible gasps, snickering)
NHJ: Bailiff, whack his pee-pee.
WJC: Yoww! Owie! Owie!
END TRANSMISSION
Copyright 1998, the IowaHawk. Must credit www.freerepublic.com