Tonight's Nightlie:
Starr Delivers Report to Congress!
Brad Toupee: Friday, independent scandal counsel Ken Starr
delivered his 10,000 page report to congress complete with
video tape, footnotes and airsickness bags. To set the
stage for night's show we have Bob Bellow reporting live
from the hill with his report of how congress is taking
the report.
Bob: Not well, Brad. Some members are finding it hard to
swallow. Just days ago the Full House met in a huge
hermetically sealed room to listen to the Tripp tapes and
go over seven months of Grand Jury testimony given to
Starr's prosecutors.
Although the sessions are being televised, it is
difficult to give our viewers a complete report because a
full 2/3's of the proceedings are being censored by the
FCC. We know our viewers have been confused by the images
they've seen. For instance...Why is Conyers pointing to a
rubber chicken and screaming? Why does Maxine Waters keep
passing out? Why is Barney Frank the only one willing to
give her mouth-to-mouth resuscitation? Why is there a goat
tied to the podium marked "Exhibit A"? And why has Dr.
Doolittle been called as an expert witness? Maybe these
video clips can give us a prospective.
[Video Clip.....]
Congressman Waxman: Dr. Doolittle, tell us please. Why does
this goat have a [bleep] in it's [bleep] and did you detect
any fibers from the carpet in the Oval Office on or near
it's [bleep] [bleep] [bleep]?
[Video Clip]
Congresswoman Waters: This is preposterous! Who ever heard
of doing a [bleep] [bleep] to a [bleep] with a spatula, a
baby gerbil and a can of "Three in One Oil?!!" I've been to
the Oval Office and I didn't get half this royal treatment.
Vice President Gore:
The....Pre...si...dent....would....ne....ver.....use....a...
spa...tu....la...be...cause...they...are....made...of....non
...bio....de....grade....able...ma....ter...i....al.
And....fur...ther...more....no....le...gal...con...tro...ling
...au...thor...it..y...found...sap...on...Mon...i...ca's...
.dress.
Toupee: Thanks for that report Steve.
Bob: Close but no cigar! It's Bob. Wig!
Toupee: In our studio tonight, we have James Carville to
lie for the president.
James Carville: So what if tha President loves rubba
chickens? Hell, half the people in congress have relations
with their pets. Brad don't you go tryin' to turn on tha
President neither. I got some very embarassin' pictures of
you in tha tub with a rubba ducky and a monkey wrench.
There's lotsa perverts in this town. You aint' seen nothing
till you've seen what a well respected Senator can do with
a Beanie baby, a can of Crisco and a funnel. Makes yer
blood run cold.
Toupee: That's a consensual relationship. It's between me,
my rubber ducky and our monkey wrench.
Carville: Damn right you little polyester haired Yankee
twerp. Nobody cares bout tha parade of farm animals in
White House. It aint nobody's bidness. Hell, now ya see why
we gotta cover this story carefully. The Staaa report has
things in it tha American public don't wanna hear. They
ain't interested.
Toupee: Yes, I'd have to agree (especially if I could have
the negatives.)
Carville: You damn well betta agree. Hell we pullin out the
stops now! We got nuthin ta lose. Now if you could explain
ta your audience that Ken Starr is an outta control bigot
that hates barnyard animals and wants children to develop
and aversion to innocent little cloth toys it would go a
long way in supportin' our president. Otherwise, I can't
vouch for the saftey of that cute little rubber ducky you
keep stashed next to tha turkey baster.
Toupee: Anything! Anything! Just give me the negatives.
Carville: OK but nobody leaves the studio until I find out
who's car that is outside with the "Impeachment hell, get a
rope!" bumper sticker.
Toupee: Dismissing a rumor of a second White House intern,
Clinton was quoted as saying, "I did not have sexual
relations with that other women either." I'm sorry
tonight's show was so off base but tune in tomorrow when we
paw through Ken "Enemy of the People" Starr's closet
menagerie. I'm Brad Toupee and this has been NightLie.