Carville: Hey people, I'm James Carville. I figure I'll have more time for my message of Ken Staaa, Ken Staaa, and Ken Staaa if I'm the host of my own show instead of wastin ' time as a guest wid all them losers. After threatenin' to put thar FBI files on tha front page of tha New York Times, tha producers agreed. Well let's git to tha fust call.

Caller #1: I'd like to order the bone china set for $89.99.

Carville: Lady, this ain't no Home Shoppin' Channel! Git off my line. Probly callin' from New York City. Yankees ain't got sense enough to use a phone right. 

Caller #2: Honey, can you pick up a quart of milk on your way home?

Carville: Mary, I told you not ta call me at woik! 

Caller #2: You're always at work. It's Wah this and Wah that. Ken Starr this and Ken Starr that. In the morning, it's "How can we save the presidency." When you come home, it's "We have to stop Linda Tripp." So just give it a rest and pick up the milk.

Carville: Yes dear. (hangs up)  I wus put on this earth to defend Bill Clinton and she wants me to pick up some milk! 

Carville (to producer): Let's just go to our next call from Larry at CNN.

Caller #3: This is Larry at CNN. Am I on the air?

Carville: Yea, Larry, you're on tha ar. What's on ya mind?

Caller #3: How do you hope to compete with a highly rated show like "Larry King Live" on CNN weekdays at 6 and 9PM?

Carville: Larry, I've been ta school plays dat git a bigger share than dat side show of yours. Yar only inter'n guest was me. I don't have time fa dis. It's a wah Larry! It's a wah! Don't you git it? Ken Staaa is outta of control! 

Carville (speaking to the audience): Dis is worse dan bein' a guest on somebody else's show. We don't have time for calls. Ya'll  need ta know da facts. Ya'll know Ken Staaa's outta control but what about da Secret Service agents? If they have ta talk, think of da orphans there'll be. No, I mean our president could be assassinated.

If Ken Staaa puts Monica Lewinsky up there on da stand, where dis country gonna be? Impeachment! What fur? Cheatin' on his ol' lady, lyin' under oath, snortin' a little coke, obstructin' a little justice, silencin' a few political opponents? Who ain't done that? You name me a third world dictator or a southern governor that ain't done that!

If we don't throw Linda Tripp in jail for not lyin' to protect our president, our party is gonna crumble like cornbread in swamp watta. It's gonna be bad! Like dose nasty cookies I use ta steal from tha general store when I wus a kid. What about the hundreds of bimbos I gotta discredit? The lyin' state troopers? The Republican congress? How'm I gonna have time to save the presidency if I gotta be answerin' the phone all da time?

This is a holy wah! We gotta save president Clinton. He's gotta have a third term so we'll have time ta destroy all tha evidence! We gotta save our party. Can't you understand? "It's a wah Larry! It's a wah!"

Caller #3: Hello? ... Hello? Am I still on the air? ...Helloooo?

The Web Walker