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60 Nano Seconds
The President's Speech
Announcer: To prove we are not a biased
liberal network and to expose the extremist, marginal, intolerant and judgemental views of
people who disagree with us, NOT!News presents 60 Nano Seconds and our token conservative
Will George.
Will George: Hello ladies and gentlemen. I have
to keep this short. So I'll get right to my analysis of President Clintons apology speech
to the nation on Monday night.
Here's what the president said:
"Still, I must take complete responsibility for all my actions both
public and private. And that is why I am speaking to you tonight."
Here's what the president meant:
"It's not my fault, and here's why..."
What he said :
"While my answers were legally accurate,"
What he meant:
"You're all too stupid to know what constitutes perjury anyway."
What he said:
"I did not volunteer information."
What he meant:
"Because of my utter contempt for the whole judicial process."
What he said:
"I say to you now: that at no time did I ask anyone to lie, to hide or destroy
evidence, or to take any other unlawful action."
What he meant:
"Like I said to you then: that I did not have sex with that woman, Miss
Lewinsky."
What he said:
"I know that my public comments, and my silence about this matter, gave a false
impression."
What he meant:
"I lied."
What he said:
"I misled people, including even my wife."
What he meant:
"I lied."
What he said:
"I deeply regret that..."
What he meant:
"I got caught."
What he said:
"I can only tell you I was motivated by many factors."
What he meant:
"Lust for power, lust for sex, lust for money, lust for fame, lust for..."
What he said:
"I had real and serious concerns, about an independent counsel investigation that
began with private business dealings twenty years ago. Dealings, I might add, about which
an independent federal
agency found no evidence of any wrongdoing by me or my wife, over two years ago."
What he meant:
"I didn't do it. Nobody saw me do it. You can't prove anything."
What he said:
"The Independent Counsel investigation moved on to my staff and friends."
What he meant:
"I screwed up their lives, too."
What he said:
"Now this matter is between me, the two people I love most..." "I must put
it right, and I am prepared to do whatever it takes to do so."
What he meant:
"Except resign."
What he said:
"It’s nobody’s business but ours."
What he meant:
"Butt-out!"
What he said:
"And so tonight, I ask you to turn away from the spectacle of the past
seven months..."
What he meant:
"Forget all this."
What he said:
"to repair the fabric of our national discourse..."
What he meant:
"Quit picking on me."
What he said:
"and to return our attention to all the challenges and all the promise of the next
American century."
What he meant:
"Like, how I'm going to get hot babes when I'm a 60-Something has-been."
And that's 60 Nano Seconds. Thanks for watching folks
Archive: 60 Nano
Seconds Show 1
Host: To prove we're not a biased liberal new network, it's my job to expose our sensitive
viewers to an extremist that disagrees with us, I take no pleasure in putting
conservative hate speech on the air, but it is a free country and it is my job. Tonight's
guest, Montana State Representative Pat Hand, will be speaking to us from our studio in
L.A. Pat, can you hear me?
Hand: Yes. Who are you? Where's Ed McMahon? Where is my check for 10 million dollars?
Host: You must have misunderstood my producer. You're our guest commentator tonight.
Hand: Commentator? I haven't written anything. I'm not prepared.
Host: That's OK. I'll just ask you a few questions. Well Pat, have you stopped beating
your wife?
Hand: Wait a minute! I flew out to the left coast. I've put up with a state full of
flakes, fruits and nuts. And now you tell me, you're going to be asking me questions?
I've got news for you Jack. If I don't see Ed McMahon and he doesn't hand me a
check for 10 million dollars, the only question you'll be asking is .... (picture
goes blank)
Host: Well folks, that's all the time we have tonight. I'm Bush Wacker proving once again
that even "60 Nano Seconds" is too long for the wrong opinion.
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