The Spirit of Christmas [Baby Jesus vs. Frosty]
Created by Trey Parker and Matt Stone
Original transcription by The Web Walker (the.web.walker@pobox.com)
HTML by The Web Walker (http://www.pobox.com/~the.web.walker)
Homepage maintained by Wilton Byrum (wiltb@byrum.org)

Cast:
    Stan (with red snow cap)
    Kyle (with yellow snow cap)
    Cartman (called Kenny)
    Kenny (saying an intelligible word)
    Frosty
    Santa (Frosty in disguise)
    Baby Jesus

[Music.] 
[Sign: "Avenging Conscience presents."]
[Singing, "I keep hearing this melody in my ear."] 
[Sign: "The Spirit of Christmas."]
[Scene: The kids are in a snow-covered field gathered around a
    snowman.]
 
Kids (singing): Frosty the Snowman, with a jolly happy soul, with a
    corncob pipe and a button nose and two eyes made out of coal.
    There must have been some magic in that old silk hat they found
    for when they placed it on his head ...

Stan: Dude!
Kyle: What?
Stan: Don't put the magic hat on the snowman.
Kyle: Why?
Stan: Because if you do he's going to come to life.
Kyle: Cool!
Stan: No it's not cool! My sister in Minnesota put a hat on a
    snowman and it tried to kill her.
Kyle: Fuck him. Let's do it anyway.
Kenny: Yeah!

Kids (singing): There must have been some magic in that old silk
    hat they found for when they placed it on his head ...

[Close up snowman's head: The hat, atop the snowman's head, begins
    spinning and admitting a strange sound.]

[Music: violins from the shower scene in Psycho.]
[The snowman grows fangs and tenticals.]
[Close up Kyle's face in extreme fear.]
[Camera pulls backs revealing the snowman surrounded by the
    children. The snowman grows tentacles and kills Cartman.]
[Camera pulls back further as the kids flee for their lives.]

Kyle: Oh my god! Frosty killed Kenny.
Stan: Dude! I told you not to put that fucking hat on Frosty's
    fucking head. Now didn't I?
Kyle: I'm sorry mister rocket fucking scientist. What are we
    supposed to do now?
Stan: I don't know what we're supposed ... Wait! I bet he can help
    us.
Kyle: Who?

[Children approach Santa.]

Santa: "Ho, Ho, Ho."

[Kids all shouting at once try to explain what happened.]

Santa: Whoa. Whoa now. Tell me what happened slowly.
Kyle: OK. We were building a snowman and all of a sudden he came to
    live.
Stan: I told him. Don't put the magic hat on the snowman and he did
    it anyway and then he killed out friend Kenny and now he's going
    to kill everybody.
Santa: Did he look kind of like this.

[Santa opens mouth shows fangs and growls.]

Stan: Yeah. Kind of like that.
Kyle: Un huh. Yeah.

[Music: violins from the shower scene in Psycho.]
[Santa turns into Frosty. The children scream. Stan and Kyle run for
    their lives yet again. Santa Frosty kills Kenny and throws him
    into the snow next to Cartman.]

[Scene: Stan and Kyle standing on a snow filled street in town.]

Kyle: You know. I don't think that was the real Santa Claus.
Stan: Oh. No shit Sherlock. You know. Thanks to you there's going
    to be no Christmas and there's no one left to help us.
Kyle: Oh Christ.
Stan and Kyle together: Jesus!

[music: away in a manger]
[Scene: Jesus in manger with wise men offering gifts. Stan and Kyle
    approach.]

Stan: Jesus. We beseech thee in this time of need.
Kyle: Mother fucking frosty. He fucking...
Stan: Dude.
Kyle: he fucking...
Stan: Dude. This is Jesus. You don't say fucks in front of Jesus.

[Baby Jesus jumps from manger and runs down the hill.]

Stan and Kyle together: Go Jesus!

[Scene: Monster Frosty waiting for Jesus in middle of street in 
   town.]
[Frosty turns and runs. Jesus gives pursuit. They stop and face each
    other. Jesus turns halo at Frosty. Halo takes off hat and top of
    Frost's head. Halo returns to hover over Jesus' head. What's
    left of Frosty collapses to the ground.]

Stan and Kyle together: Our Savior!

[Jesus returns to manger.]

Kyle: That sucks.
Stan: I'm sure glad that's over with.
Kyle: Yeah but you know, I learned something today.
Stan: Yeah, don't put the magic hat on Frosty.
Kyle: No, I learned about the true spirit of Christmas.
Stan: Really?
Kyle: Yeah. Christmas isn't really about Frosty or Santa.
Stan: You're right. It's about Jesus.
Kyle: No. It's not even about Jesus either.
Stan: Well then, what's it all about?
Kyle: Presents.
Stan: Ah.
Kyle: You see it's presents.
Stan: Hey man. Let's go home. I know where my parents hide my
    presents.
Kyle: Cool!
Stan: Yeah.

[Stan and Kyle walk off screen.]

Voice over (singing): So he waved goodbye saying, "Don't you cry.
    I'll be back again someday."

["The End" appears over the scene.]